Quarter life crisis

Unfulfilled potential. I don't think there's a scarier expression out there. You go through the motions and you do your best and deep down everyone has a certain sense of their value and their worth. But then for x, y, z reason, your life somehow doesn't turn out how you expect it to be. And then you're left wondering why? Is it because of a lack of judgement on your part? Were you just unlucky? Or is this really just the best you can achieve? And you look at people around you who do succeed where you failed and wonder why. And obviously you compare yourself to them. And obviously you're envious even if it kills you to admit it. I hate that I keep so much envy and bitterness inside me and I wish I could just throw it all away and wipe the slate clean. I think that part of what made me happy when I was younger was all the options that were available to me. But once you make a choice it's a door that closes on you and you can never go back. Potential is nice because it allows you to dream. Reality is facing the world around you with all its messiness and frustrations and disappointments and losses. And right now all I have is a whole load of disappointments and unfulfilled potential. It's easy to blame things on luck and say that the world is against you. But at the end of the day I think somewhere sometime around 3 years ago I gave up. I gave up on who I thought I was. I gave up on who I thought I could be. And before I can live up to my potential I need to get that back. I need to get myself back. I've always been slower than everybody else when it came to getting my shit together. Let's just hope that by the time I figure my shit out, it won't be too late.

Sugar

Was I drunk for the past 2 years?

I should be studying as always but I just can't focus. So many things scare me right now. I'm scared I'll fail my midterm tomorrow. I'm scared our app will be rejected tomorrow. I'm scared I'll fail a class when I'm so close to finishing school. But what mostly scares me is this US election result. I think for so many people it was a wake-up call. A reality check regarding the world we live in and all the issues we've been ignoring for some time now because school, because work, because cleaning the apartment, because your friend's birthday, because you always have something more pressing to think about and to deal with. But this has got to stop. We need to break out of our bubbles and take a good hard look at the world around us and just do something. It might be too late now, but we need to do something nonetheless. Because for all the massive amount of information and data we have at our fingertips, there is twice or three times as much misinformation. Because people need to be educated, but first we need to educate ourselves. Because we let ourselves go and tell ourselves things will be ok. But sometimes things are not ok. Sometimes we fuck up. And I feel like so far I've been pretty sheltered in my life in the sense that I haven't fucked up that much so far. Sure I didn't always get the job that I wanted or I didn't always get the best grade or every scholarship I applied for, but somehow at the end of the day I wasn't worse off than I started. But right now, I feel like we really are worse off than we were at this time yesterday. Not because Trump will have access to the nuclear codes. I'm pretty sure his staff will take away his access just like they did with his Twitter account. But just because the US officially decided they would rather live in the past than move forward. There are so many issues with what happened but at the end of the day it all comes down to information and how we are exposed to it. We all have our favorite channels. Some like old fashioned newspapers. Others like cable TV. Others go on Twitter or Facebook or Reddit. The problem is that based on our sources, we get stuck in our own little bubbles with a feedback loop that reinforces our confirmation bias and leaves us perplexed and ill equipped to deal with unfolding events. We become blindsided more and more often these days because we never really get the full picture. And this has got to stop. I refuse to believe that after all the data that is being collected starting with the amount of sleep that you get, to how many steps you take each day, to how much time you spend on which website, we are still incapable of understanding our next door neighbors. And the question remains, how do you bridge the gap across social and ethnic groups, across generations, across countries. I won't lie, I'm scared for the future. And seeing Hillary Clinton's concession speech actually made me cry. But at the same time I'm motivated. I have been letting myself go, continuously lowering my standards for what I considered as an achievement. Because I was tired, because it was hard, because I didn't see the point. But no more. I need to spend less time worrying about things and more time actually doing them. You have no control over the outcome of things or how other people will react. But you do have control over how much effort you put into the projects you undertake and I'm done half-assing my life. In 11 days I turn 26 years old and in 6 months I will be done with school for ever. And for the past 3 months I keep telling myself I need to sit down and figure out what my goals are for the next stage of my life but I never seem to have time for it. Well I think I should make time. If this election taught me anything, it's that pushing things at the back of your mind and not dealing with them will get you nowhere. On the contrary. One day you wake up and you realize you don't understand the world you live in anymore.

The Notable Brain of Maximilian Ponder

I have always been fascinated by the human brain and the power it holds to make or break a human being. And of course this leads me to read many books about troubled individuals and their psyche. I can't help it, I'm attracted to them like a moth to the light! Well one such recent read involved the (fictional) story of an individual who locked himself up on his 21st birthday and proceeded to catalog the contents of his memory up until that point. Said operation lasted 30 years. Now the whole narrative takes the shape of a flashback as Max is already dead and his best friend Adam is recounting the events that have led us here and why Max made these decisions.

I could say that for any introspective individual, the story is relatable even if I don't know anyone who would go as far as spending more than half their lives on such an endeavor. Myself, I have often felt as though if only I could block away the world and just be able to write down my thoughts and my experiences and if I managed to dissect them, then the world would make more sense and everything would be much clearer. I would understand myself better, where I went wrong, what I did right, the paths I should have taken and maybe if I could or should turn around and start over. But this isn't about me, it's about Max. At 21, he had everything going for him. A great family fortune, a good education, a nice girlfriend he could have married, he was cultured, he had traveled the world and had experienced many things, he had friends, he was generally well-liked. So why throw it all away? One theme that comes up often throughout the book is death. This is something that had always haunted Max and that he never really knew how to deal with. The death of his parents, the death of people he knew, even the death of strangers. He would always obsess over what would be left behind after a person dies. So maybe his catalog was his way of leaving behind his mark for posterity. Maybe the recent death of his father was just too much to deal with and this was all an excuse to hide away from the world.

In any case, whatever his real reasons may have been, the real question of interest here is "was he happy?". Were his efforts a waste? Was his life a waste? Physically speaking, he died at 51 due to "a short illness". However, can we really say that he was still alive during those 30 years that he spent cut off from the world? Was he really different from someone who might have been run down by a car in a tragic accident at 21? In a sense, this book has made me realize that life and death can be a lot more fluid concepts than I initially thought. What makes death, well "death"? Why is it so feared by so many people around the world? Is it the finality of it all? I think it's essentially that. The fact that we always put off a lot of things for various reasons. But once you're dead there are no more do-overs. You will never be able to ask those questions to your grandfather or build that app that was going to change the world. So maybe this was Max's way of leaving his mark on the world. A library filled with the most intricate details of every year of his life to be dissected for generations to come.

Looking for infinity

There are moments when everything seems to slow down to a stop. When this dizzying waltz that is life transforms itself into a slow dance that any idiot can do. Suddenly life seems easy and manageable. Because it's just me and the clear night sky and the few stars that manage to penetrate the blinding city lights. There still exists an ounce of purity in this rotten, corrupted world. And it's beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. It's the rich and bittersweet aftertaste of dark chocolate as you experience it for the first time. It's a voice that whispers into my ear "You're going to be alright little girl".

The world is a strange place to be. Ironically, the older I grow, the less I understand it. But that's alright. All I need are these moments, these small intervals of infinity when my lonesome figure comes back home. Hello there stranger.

 

M-am cam lasat de blogul asta. Niciodata nu le-am avut cu disciplina si constanta. Si totusi ma intorc mereu sa imi plang de mila. De ce simtim nevoia sa lasam o urma digitala a disperarii noastre inutile? Ca si marinarii care arunca o scrisoare intr-o sticla in mare, ne pierdem in atatia bits prafuiti. Si totusi ma intorc. Poate ca sa nu ma mai simt atat de singura. Daca macar o persoana ma citeste din greseala atunci teoretic nu mai sunt singura. Cineva a pescuit sticla. Dar de ce le-ar pasa? Nimeni nu mai are timp zilele astea. Toti facem o mie si una de activitati in speranta ca vom umple vidul din inauntru. Uni reusesc. Eu zilele astea nu prea. De ce? Pai de ce oare. Mi-e dor de el. Si nu scrie, si nu suna. Tot timpul acelasi cliseu uzat. Si eu m-am cam saturat sa revin mereu la acelasi punct de intoarcere. Si ma zgarie faptul ca am devenit replica exacta a unui cliseu pe care l-am detestat intotdeauna. Am zis ca sunt puternica si ca nu imi pasa, ca nu ma las doborata de niste sentimente puerile. Si totusi uite ca un parau poate sa roada piatra. Si ce a ramas din mine acum? Stiu ca din punct de vedere evolutionar, emotiile au utilitatea lor si toate filmele de Hollywood ne invata ca umanitatea noastra atarna in capacitatea noastra de a iubi. Dar mama ei de iubire, m-am saturat. Pentru o data in viata mea asi vrea sa stiu cum se simt psihopatii care trec prin lume fara sa se preocupe prea mult de sentimente. Cred ca problema mea principala e faptul ca sunt un optimist care nu se lasa niciodata. Chiar si atunci cand e evident ca ma obosesc degeaba, inima mea tot mai spera. Bai idioato, tu tot nu ai inteles ca nu are rost?

In memory of the Polytechnique shooting

Maybe subconsciously I'm using this as just another way to procrastinate, but I think this needs to be written down. Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of the Polytechnique shooting during which 14 women were killed because they were studying engineering and that somehow made them feminists. Because they were occupying a space that supposedly wasn't theirs to take. Because they didn't belong. You know, the status of women in engineering is a strange one I feel. On one hand, you're put on a pedestal because you're a minority and a highly prized one at that. You are the proverbial unicorn and that makes you special. But on the other hand, you will always have those few people who will see you as a puny little girl who's trying to play in the big leagues. And although this last category is quite small, whenever you come into contact with it, it has the effect of shaking your foundations. Because whatever you are trying to achieve, failure is no longer an option. Because you want to prove the other person wrong. Because now it's a matter of pride. And this reaction is normal irrespective of gender. But, being a girl in engineering, I feel like the pressure to succeed is twice as great. Because you are not just trying to prove something for yourself, but for a whole range of other girls whose capabilities are being doubted solely based on their gender. Because my success is their success and my failure is their failure. Because I'm still trying to prove that this is my place and that here is where I belong. And I hope to see the day when I will no longer be met with surprise when I tell people I am studying engineering. A lot of progress has been made since that day 25 years ago. But there's still a long way to go and I hope it won't take another massacre for us to make it. In memory of those women who never made it to their Iron Ring ceremony, no matter how hard things might get for me, I will make it there. For you. For all the girls around the world who do not have access to an education because their usefulness to society is only translated through the amount of household chores they can do and the amount of kids they can raise. In moments like these, I realize I am incredibly lucky to be where I am now and to have the opportunity to study such an amazing field. So at this point, failure is no longer an option.

The scientist

- Ti-e frica de ceva in viata asta?
- Da bineinteles. De chiar prea multe lucruri. Mi-e frica de oamenii din jurul meu. Mi-e frica de faptul ca intr-o zi ar putea sa ma raneasca. Mi-e frica si de mine. De felul in care ma schimb si de faptul ca asi putea sa ma trezesc intr-o zi si sa nu mai recunosc persoana care ma priveste in oglinda. Dar cel mai tare mi-e frica de posibilitatea ca tot ceea in ce cred este gresit. Si ca de atatia ani ma zbat cu o chimera care nu exista. Ca voi descoperi adevarul doar cand va fii prea tarziu.
- Si ce este adevarul pentru tine?
- Fericirea. A descoperi adevarul inseamna a gasi ceea ce te face fericit.

How NOT to lose friends and alienate people

Christianity can be a thorny subject in our modern-day society that is based on the principle of no belief which can then be pushed to the limit of cynical thought personified by the "everything goes" principle. While I am in no way Christian and certainly do not believe in any God (aren't I a model citizen), I do feel that some teachings of the Catholic church have their use in making our life more enjoyable and our relationships with others more durable. We are all searching for something in this life and that something is happiness. We might have different definitions of what happiness is or means, but nonetheless I would say it is our purpose in life. However, often enough we try to find it through individual pursuits with a big focus on ourselves and what our needs and wants are. While this method has its merits, it also tends to have the side effect of leaving you alone at night and somewhat isolated. I am not saying that this goes for everyone and maybe some Scrooges out there actually are happy on their own. I say kudos to them for resisting the temptation of needing others to be happy. But for most of us who have been socialized correctly and who need some amount of human interaction in order to be happy, my personal opinion is that we are doing it wrong. Or at least I have been doing it wrong. For many years I tried to do everything on my own without relying too much on others. My favorite things I would do them mostly on my own. It was all about how I was feeling, my insecurities, my priorities. Then I made some changes to my life. I started going out a lot more and meeting a lot of people. But still with the same mentality of focusing on my inner perspective. Now I think I might need a paradigm shift. I have tried it a couple of times and I find it makes conversations, relationships and just life in general better, when you focus your attention on the other person and just actively try to put yourself in their shoes. There is nothing like it! For some people this might seem obvious, but for a young lost kid who has spent too much time on the attention-whore-inducing-syndrome-of-a-website we know as Facebook, you lose that aptitude to appreciate intimate human relationships without it being in the public stratosphere where image is all that counts.

Anyway, what I did want to write here and what induced this long rant was something I read from the Pope about marriage and how to have a successful one. One thing really struck me and made me think. He said that couples should never finish a day without asking each other for forgiveness and without peace returning to their homes. Now you don't need to be married or even in a relationship in order to benefit from this advice. If people just focus on others and put themselves in their shoes for a little while, I am sure that most arguments could be avoided and it would be much easier to forgive each other. If you care more about the other person and about your relationship with them than about your petty feelings, if both are willing to put in efforts in order to solve their issues, then I don't see any reason why any friendship, relationship or marriage cannot work.

Self-validation in the digital age

In an age where most interactions are based on appearance and where self-worth is often defined through the eyes of those around us, here's something I really never considered before. In an article on the Huffington Post, the writer was saying we should strive to find validation in the ratio of how we positively impact ourselves and others versus how much we fuck up and hurt others. And I find that to be such a powerful shift of perception that actually pretty much blew my mind. Tip of the hat to you lady-who-wrote-this! You have given me much to think about! After I finish my chem pre-lab...

Full article here.

Re-evaluating God and Karma

I'm a big believer in coincidences and the randomness of life. But some days I wonder. Fact of the matter is, these past few mornings have been relatively gray (weather-wise and personal mental state-wise). I always seem to wake up feeling like I should just stay in bed and it takes me a huge amount of effor to drag myself out of bed. And this feeling kind of continues pretty much until I get to school. And then something happens. I run into a friend. Somebody smiles at me. I get a hug. I FINALLY get a right answer in my calculus homework. And suddently my day doesn't feel as gloomy anymore. It can lead someone to question whether the whole God/karma/universe-is -looking-out-for-you thing is actually real. But I think that's an easy explanation for the phenomenon. I think the world is made up of opportunities and if you just keep your eyes open you will be able to see them. It's just a question of listening to your needs and letting the world in. And maybe methaphorically speaking, this realization is equivalent to beginning to believe in God. Because you get to see that everything you need surrounds you. You just have to take your hands out of your pockets and reach out for it. 

Big thanks to the random guys on campus who were giving out free hugs. I don't know what you're studying to be able to take so much time out of your day to stand around and give people hugs, but you really brigthened my day!

Surviving life part 2

So it took me almost forever to get to the second part (where forever = 3 months give or take) and what I want to talk about here is less of a 12-step method than a thought process. Last October I started going to these philosophical sessions where a bunch of people get together and just talk about what is this thing called life and how not to suck at it with a moderator steering us in one direction or other. I was just there last night and we were talking about motivation and the reasons why we do things. I often talk about being a perfectionist and pursuing perfection often at the detriment of my own mental or physical health. And I often find myself doing things that I don't really want to do, only because I tell myself it'll be good for me or it'll make me a better person. And as the years went by, sure I have become more sociable, I went from being a loner to actually having a social life/circle. But this has left me feeling often more alone than before and somehow completely hollow inside. And I've struggled with this for the past year or so. Now I think I know why. I've always been more of an introvert and though I have swings from one end of the spectrum to the other, I never was very fond of the spotlight. However, I've been spending more and more time in social situations, meeting new people and doing new things. It's been a lot of fun, but it also takes it out of you. I used to define a big part of myself in my alone time (reading, drawing, writing). But I've rarely done any of that lately and now I seem to be at a loss as to what or who I really am. So I have reached a point where I need to rethink my approach to life. The past 3 years have been about taking risks and throwing myself into novel situations to expand my experiences and my horizons and to test my limits. But this has depleted my internal batteries and I can't seem to figure out what this person that is me stands for anymore. Last week someone asked me what is my thing. And frankly, I kind of lied. I told them what my thing WAS. Because I don't know what it is right now, if I even have a thing at the moment. So here's step 6:

6) Take some time with yourself. It is a relationship that should not be neglected for it will come back to bite you in the ass!

Uite ca am auzit azi ceva care nu ar trebui sa fie o revelatie si totusi m-a surprins. Cica sunt prea impacienta. Sar la concluzii. Dau liber si fara sa pun piedici sau conditii. Eh asta nu e nou. Nciodata nu am avut rabdare si probabil ca am facut mai multe greseli decat ar fii trebuit in viata mea. Nu asa e pentru toti? Si totusi uite ca unii au reusit unde eu ma chinui inca. Sincer pe mine nu ma deranjeaza. Mai tare ma afecteaza privirile pline de mila ale prietenilor. "Ohhh saracuta, tot singura e de atat timp! Hai nu vrei sa te aranjez cu tipul asta de la birou? O sa vezi ca e super de treaba! Ar trebui sa incerci sa fii mai asa si o sa vezi ca o sa fie bine." De parca ceva nu e in regula cu mine. Poate ca au dreptate. Poate ca o sa ajung si eu tanti aia cu 10 pisici si 5 caini care nu iese niciodata din casa  ca prefera sa citeasca o carte in loc sa asculte aceleasi povesti rasuflate si uzate. Sincer optiunea asta chiar pare foarte atragatoare! De ce nu pot fii bine asa cum sunt? De ce trebuie sa fie vreo problema cu mine daca nu am gasit inca pe cineva care sa fie pe aceeasi lungime de unda ca si mine? La naiba, iar mi-am pierdut idea. Poate ca aia si e problema.

Rendez-vous avec moi

Interesting idea, a date with oneself. We prepare nervously for interviews, for exams, for meetings, for birthdays. But never for us. Et pourtant, this is maybe the only meeting that actually matters. Because the only person we could never leave behind, never get rid of, never run from is ourselves. And we shouldn't be late.

The first day of the rest of your life

This video is sooo good! Makes you want to throw your computer out the window and just go out and play!

Retrospectiva zilei

Swirling thoughts going round and round in a dizzying dance full of euphoria and dread at the same time. Here I am on the eve of my 23rd birthday. I'm still young by most accounts. And so old by some. What have I really accomplished so far? I feel like I'm growing more and more estranged from my friends and loved ones. I'm becoming vain, conceited, self-centered. Lost in appearances. Still pursuing perfection and crippling myself with guilt when I can't seem to attain the unattainable. An atheist struck by the purest christian psychology.

I listened to Angels&Airwaves today. It made me think about Bunny. And then North. I really know how to pick 'em! But the fact of the matter is, there was no regret, no pain, no longing. Only nostalgia. For a time when I let myself believe. For an innocence that was lost time and again. I keep telling myself that I don't know what I want, but that's false. I do know. I just don't want to hear it. Because I'm scared. Terrified even. I was never very good at endurance and I think I'm getting tired. I guess it's just a consequence of the continuous battle inside me between the part that wants to grow up and the one that just wants to stay a kid.

So for the kid and the adult in me, here are the songs that I grew up with, one theme for each year since I officially became a "big kid".

 

As a side note, since my birthday actually falls on the official Children's Day, maybe it's appropriate that I spend it like a kid!

Managing expectations

First article in the series of me-trying-to-build-some-discipline. So this morning I was eating an avocado (yeah I know it starts great already, but bare with me here), and as I was feeling the deliciously creamy texture on my tongue, I remembered that there was a time when I couldn't stand it. First time I tried it, it was hate at first sight. And I think that the main reason for that is the fact that I wasn't expecting it. And expectations play a large role in our appreciation of food, people and just life in general. Kind of like getting a flu shot. It's not too bad when you know it's coming. So here's to trying to predict life so you can brace yourself for it! Pfff who am I kidding? We'll just have to learn to deal with unexpected flu shots....


In the spirit of expectations not properly managed, here's my last message: happy birthday asshole!

Yet another challenge

During the course of my so-far-brief existence I have signed up to god knows how many newsletters and webzines that I barely read most of the time (don't we all!). But somehow I decided to read this one and the writer was proposing a challenge for the month of November. Write one or two articles every week. It's all part of this program that forces you to focus on the process instead of on the end result and supposedly it works so much better because it makes you less stressed. Sure why not. I could use a little more structure in my life and a little less stress. Plus I heard that if you manage to do something regularly for 30 days then it becomes a habit. I know I have taken up many challenges in the past. Some I've kept, some not, but whatever the case, the point is to keep trying (dooooonnn't stooooppp! beeelliiiiiiviiinnnggg!!).

So here it is. Two articles per week for the next month. Here goes nothing!

How to survive studies, friends and life in general

More than ever, I have been feeling pressure to be on top of my game both academically and socially. I always knew McGill was competitive, but never thought it would affect me this much. And the net effect of this has been a lot of ups and downs, many sleepless nights and a constant feeling of anxiety. BUT since it is not like me to wallow in self-pity (ok maybe it is, but I'm trying to turn in a new leaf here), I decided to come up with a guide to better help me cope with my new daily existence.

1) Never ever ever think it is a good/feasible idea to plan to study after Blues Pub or any other social activity involving drinking no matter how small the quantity of beer ingested. The nerds of the planet were right when they said "Don't drink and derive" (or program for that matter unless you want to end up with a code that is 1 km long and jam-packed with bugs and hilarious comments)

2) As a matter of fact, unless you are in the company of motivating peers (or impending deadlines), don't plan to study on a Friday period.

3) Stay away from Facebook during exam period. While Spotted might help you feel a little less alone in your strife, the endless pictures/comments about parties that your friends living in residence are attending, will more than overcome the previous effect and leave you hating your lonely, miserable life.

4) Whenever you decide you deserve a weekend off, do yourself and the rest of the world a favor and just don't do it.

5) Baby steps grasshopper. Cause even if you feel like you could totally pull off 3 clubs, 5 classes and tutoring within your first semester in the program all the while still having a social life and seeing old friends, just pace yourself. Like Frosh, it is not a race, but a marathon and drinking a bottle of gin in one hour will only leave you puking all over the place.


Steps 6) to ∞ still remain to be determined... TBC!

Math, my love

Sometimes, even the smartest people need to keep this in mind