Summer dreams

So here it is. Summer vacation. Or so I thought. It was amazing for about one evening. Then it all came down. Reality. Decisions. This should be the best time of my life. But it doesn't feel like that. I just feel the contrast between the carefree summer inviting me to waste the day outside and the dark confines of my room telling me I have some thinking to do. There was this quote saying that all college seniors should be given one week during the year to just break down and cry because you're scared and afraid and you don't know what to do. Well I think the week is now. Sometime between the last exam and convocation and grad ball. To be honest I know what I need to do (or at least I have the illusion of control that makes me believe that by following a few easy steps I'll be able to make a good decision). But just starting is quite frankly terrifying. Why? Beats me! This is only the rest of my life that we're talking about.... Someone once told me that I need to grow a backbone so that I can stick to my choices and decisions. They were probably right. However, before I can get there, I have to convince myself that this is the best path for me without the shadow of a doubt. Listen to me.... as though certainty really was an integral part of reality! The only truly certain things in this life are death and taxes and all else is stamp collecting (accounting majors might tell you that even the last one can be debatable). That is why it's so terrifying I guess. You need to close your eyes and take a leap of faith. Damn. I always did have trouble with faith.

Les 4 phases de la vie d'un étudiant

Phase 1: Ayant fini le secondaire et ne sachant pas quoi faire avec sa vie, tu te dis que ce n'est pas bien grave puisque tu as toujours le CEGEP pour le découvrir.

Phase 2: Ayant fini le CEGEP et ne sachant toujours pas quoi faire avec sa vie, tu te dis que bah ça peut être pire et que 3 ans d'université te donnent du temps en masse pour réfléchir à la prochaine étape et qu'à la fin tu sauras surement par où te diriger.

Phase 3: La fin de l'université approchant à grands pas, tu te trouves DANS LA MERDE, puisque t'es pas plus proche de savoir comment tu gagneras ta vie que tu l'étais il y a 4 ans à la fin de ton secondaire.

Donc la question suivante se pose: quand sommes-nous supposés savoir que faire de notre vie? Est-ce qu'il y a une date limite pour trouver la réponse à cette ultime question existentielle? En voyant des gens qui se cherchent encore rendus à 30 ans, je me dis que peut-être pas...

Phase 4: Arriver à la conclusion que la vie n'est qu'une suite d'essaies et erreurs et qu'avec un peu de chance on tombe sur la bonne variante avant 30 ans. Sinon, on est DANS LA MERDE.

"Amintiri din copilarie" ou les déficiences d'un enfant face au mois de septembre

Souvent je trouve une source de fierté dans mon habileté à être immature et enfantine. Dans mes envies de sauter partout et de chanter dans la rue malgré les regards des gens autour. Et puis au diable l'opinion publique! C'est bien pour ça que je n'irai jamais en politique (oui, bon, d'autres raisons aussi,, mais je divague...).

Par contre, j'observe un truc remarquable avec le passage du temps (parce que oui, je vieillis malgré moi). Dans les dernières années, tout a changé si vite autour de moi, que ce soit les gens, les conditions ou les situations. Et ça me terrifiait! Chaque mois de septembre j'avais une peur bleue de commencer une nouvelle année, de devoir encore socialiser avec des gens qui m'étaient inconnus. Et pour deux-trois semaines je redevenais l'enfant qui va à son premier cours d'école et qui essaye de rester aussi immobile que possible dans son banc pour attirer le moins d'attention possible. Et tu espères que le tout passera plus vite et que tu seras bientôt de retour chez toi (parce que prier pour que ce soit moins pénible c'est vraiment demander un peu trop).

Mais voilà que depuis quelques mois, ces cycles, ces changements, ces gens qui partent de ma vie, eh bien, ça ne me fait plus peur. Un peu comme avec le vent frisquet par une belle soirée d'été qui peut devenir même agréable lorsque tu décides de l'accepter comme une partie intégrale du paysage. Un peu comme le fait d'être pris dans la pluie et, une fois que tu es complètement mouillée, tu peux choisir d'arrêter de courir pour trouver un abri et juste savourer la sensation des gouttes d'eau sur ta peau. Un peu comme le fait de lâcher prise et juste se laisser emporter par le courant de l'eau. Tel un enfant, je n'aime pas perdre mes amis et j'ai peur de parler avec les gens que je ne connais pas. Mais tel un adulte, j'apprends à ne plus m'accrocher au passé et à ne plus me cacher de la vie.

Le changement peut être agréable lorsqu'on décide de ne pas s'y opposer. Le changement nous fait évoluer (parce qu'aussi surprenant que ça puisse l'être, l'évolution intellectuelle ne vient pas juste avec les lectures de Sartre et de Marx). Alors bienvenue la vie avec tes tournures inespérées et tes caprices. Bienvenue le mois de septembre que je n'hairai plus à présent (par contre je me réserve toujours le droit de hair le dimanche soir et le lundi matin.... on ne peut pas tout avoir dans la vie, non?). Et surtout, bienvenue le vent et le courant, mes nouveaux fidèles amis que je chérirai et à qui je ferai confiance pour m'amener par dessus des océans et des temps.

J'adore être un enfant et l'innocence qu'on peut ressentir dans la jeunesse. Mais parfois j'ai très hâte d'évoluer...

Go ask the dust for any answers

Viata e trista uneori cand te gandesti la tot ceea ce ai fi putut sa faci, la tot ceea ce ai pierdut. Degeaba esti destept, frumos sau carismatic, dar daca nu stii ce vrei, sunt toate calitati irosite de natura. E trist cand vezi oamenii vorbind despre viata lor cu pasiune in ochi si cand tu simti doar un vid imens pe care incerci sa-l eviti prin diverse activitati care te tin ocupat, dar care nu iti aduc nici o oarecare satisfactie. E trist cand singura motivatie pe care o ai e idea evadarii.

Asi vrea sa fiu o particula dintr-un val sau un cumulo-nimbus efemer care nu se intreaba de ce. Care exista pentru sigurul motiv ca este, fara ca verbul "a fi" sa aiba nevoie de explicatii. Care nu face decizii, bune sau gresite. Care nu traieste cu regrete sau cu teama. Realizez acum ca cei care spun ca nu au nici un regret sunt pur si simplu cei care nu au trait destul ca sa ajunga sa regrete ceva.

Perfect, Complicated, Don't get it...

There's something I don't understand. When you are in a relationship, there's this suffocating need to be perfect. Like when you know you have an appointment with the dentist, you all of a sudden start flossing. All year long, that small plastic box of dental floss has been gathering dust on your bathroom sink, but the minute you get a call from your dentist to schedule a cleanup, you start flossing religiously every night before going to bed and if you had time, you'd even do it in the morning. As though that would make up for a year of meat scraps gathering between your molars. The same way, when you start dating someone, all of a sudden, you start seeing the mess in your room, you feel bad about wasting a day of study, you start reconsidering your vocabulary (well not really, but you can almost feel the hesitation in your throat when you say "shit"). You want to appear mature, intelligent, knowledgeable, but at the same time fun and easygoing. I'm sorry, is that even possible in the world we live in? There is no such thing as a perfect being. But we tend towards it and even more when we are dating someone. But why? Shouldn't we want to be in relationships so that we can be ourselves? With all our imperfections, our doubts, our fears, our mess (after all, that's just us expressing the nature of the world... a higher entropy makes daddy universe happy). Is it because dating someone makes you think, this is it. This is the rest of my life, so all the things I put aside for later, all the things I said I'd do, all the things I said I'd be, well it's now or never. Kinda like when you get close to graduating and, well, you never did that exchange, you never got involved in a case competition, you never participated in a student association, you never went to that many networking sessions, and it's now or never. You feel the pressure to grow up and be the best you'll ever be. It slowly erases the uncertainty of the future and with it the possibilities that keep you sane and able to sleep at night. Man, I don't want to grow up! I don't want to pick a career! The future is scary because I've been putting it off for such a long time and now the deadline is slowly coming to an end. So you soon have to hand in your life's essay but you haven't even written the intro yet. Eh merde alors! I don't want to botch this one up. I might get away with botching up an extended essay or a history essay or a lab report or a business plan, but not this. Because I'm the one grading it this time and I sure as hell won't pass myself with this lack of effort and motivation. And that was one too many school metaphors. Oooookkk, time to go to that dentist appointment now!

Random rant

You know you've had too much caffeine when it's a quarter to 1 AM, you still have over 10 pages to read for a class the next day/later that day (depending how you see it), you have 2-3 emails to send and possibly 2 cover letters to write and somehow you still fell bubbly and full of energy. AND (which is not of insignificant nature) you still take 10 minutes of your precious time (or more) to write all this in a blog post... gah I need to lay off the caffeine.

Note to self: never ever decide to take a weekend off.... You WILL regret it amèrement

Note to self 2: find time to research careers... you know the people at school who always know what they're talking about and sometimes even more than the teacher? Those people who you wonder what the hell they are still doing in school? Those people who know exactly where they are going and how they're going to get there (also the same people who know everything that's happening in their field and who make you wonder if they spend all their days reading The Economist and The Globe and Mail... who else would say that Facebook is a bargain at $50 billion)? Or at the very least those people who have some sort of goal for their future (even if that goal is traveling as much as possible in order to understand how the world works and then how to try to fix it... hmm that sort of idealism is refreshing... it makes me want to stay in touch with that person if only to see for how long that idealism will survive... if it lasts more than 5 years then I might regain hope in the human race)? Anyway, all that to say that these people walk around with a sort of confidence that is out of this world and which I kind of envy. All that to say that I need to find myself a sense of purpose or a goal. And as much as I hate the idea, I need to choose a path...figure out what I want (somehow this sounds familiar... maybe cause I've been telling this to myself since I finished high school almost 4 years ago). And then I need to find the courage to stick to it... which is the hardest part. Like someone used to tell me, I need to have "assez de colonne" to stick to what I want. Blah easier said than done...

Nu am chef azi

Nu vad care e scopul sa faci o facultate. Din punctul de vedere al integrarii in societate, e drept ca e logic sa ai un bac (cel putin!) ca sa-ti gasesti un serviciu calumea si sa ai impresia ca ai ceva in creier. Dar din punctul de vedere al dezvoltarii personale, facultatea e o pura pierdere de timp. Te specializezi intr-un domeniu si asta te impiedica sa te orientezi spre alte aspecte ale vietii. Asa ajungi cu ingineri care vad doar fizica care tine o cladire in picioare, medici care vad doar organele care mentin o persoana in viata, analisti financiari care vad doar investiti si oportunitati sa-ti cresti averea. De fiecare data cand incepi un nou domeniu, esti inconjurat de un vocabular complet diferit si dupa 5 cursuri de biologie sau de finante, ajungi o clona brainwashata a profesorilor tai preferati. Dar unde ramane deschiderea spre lume? Sau reflectiile asupra evenimentelor care te inconjoara? In primul rand, daca ai vreme sa te tii la curent cu ce se intampla in jurul tau (deja atunci esti un as), nu mai ai energia sau cheful necesar sa le intorci de pe o dunga pe alta si sa te gandesti la consecinte si impacturi viitoare. Ai examene, ai practica, cine naiba mai are timp sa citeasca 800 de pagini despre definitia timpului si a spatiului, sau despre ce este constiinta. Si acum simt ca ideile mi se incurca in cap si totul devine un vag amestec care nu mai are nici un sens. Intr-un sens, este excitant sa cresti, sa devi un adult si sa embrace noile experiente care vin cu cel de-al 3-lea deceniu din viata ta. Dar in acelasi timp, simt ca pierd prea mult din mine. N-am mai desenat de vreun an. Am citit poate vreo doua carti care nu erau legate de scoala in ultimul an. Pentru ca pur si simplu nu mai ai timp. Si imi dau seama ca o sa am tot mai putin timp (inca un motiv ca sa nu faci copii hahaha). Si nici nu are rost sa ma intreb daca merita sau nu pentru ca la urma urmei nu e ca si cum as putea sa ma intorc in timp. Imbatranesc and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Degeaba vreau eu sa raman la 16 ani, timpul trece si nu pot sa-l opresc (si faptul ca in general oamenii ma cred cu vreo 5 ani mai in varsta decat sunt in realitate nu ajuta).

Save me

We all want to be saved. The question is from what? Physical danger? Not usually. We want someone to come and save us from our misery, take away the monotony, relive us from the pain of everyday life, help us make life extraordinary, give us our lost love, bring back people we lost. We wish someone would come and make us special, tell us we are worth it and then cross the ocean just to prove it. It's funny how selfish we can be. It's always about what others can do for us and never what we can do for them. We want others to come with the answers and the sacrifices. But nobody is going to knock on your door one morning and give you your dream job or tell you what to do to be happy. And if there is one thing that I regret up until now in my life is taking the safe road and not having the courage to stand up for what I want most. But safe is boring and will only ever lead you to a monotonous life.

A good friend of mine told me once that you only get tired of things you like, but never of things you love. Probably true. But now the hard part is taking the myriad of puzzle pieces that make up your life and finding those that have stood the test of time. Hmm let's see here...reading, physics, neurobiology, philosophy, drawing, music (but who doesn't like music these days?), airports (for some weird reason, I always get excited and extra happy when I'm in an airport) and some key people that I couldn't remove from my life and my heart even if I wanted to (and in some cases I have tried...sigh, didn't work). So if I were to follow my heart right this instant, I would drop out of Business school, go into neurobiology or physics, move out of my parents' house and preferably go back to Europe (Geneva sounds really good). I'd like to work at CERN or maybe for Doctors Without Borders (surprise surprise, they're both in Geneva). Well maybe I can finish this bachelors (since I don't have to pay for it), do another bachelors in science (physics major with a minor in neurobiology or vice versa), do an MBA and then a PhD (I'll be damned if I know in what hahaha). The problem with that plan is that by the time I finish school I'll probably be 40 (life is so freaking short man!) and I don't think I can get 3 more scholarships to pay for all that (so I'll probably spend the other 40 years that I'll have left to live paying back my student loans). Hahaha this reminds me. Last week I went to this art exposition with my mom and while we were waiting in line to buy tickets, I overheard this girl behind us talking about one of her roommates who was overly obsessed with working and not spending money so that she'd be able to pay for her university degree (yes yes I know it's not nice to eavesdrop but in some cases you can't help it...especially when you have to wait 20 min to buy a pair of tickets). And she absolutely abhorred student loans because her parents used a loan to get through their studies and until that day they were still paying it back and they droned it into her head that student loans were the epitome of evil in life. Anyway, I know that each case is different, but the conclusion is that even though higher education is more accessible in Canada than in the US, spending half your life in school is still not an option (unless you're rich...in that case, by all means go ahead).

So all that to say that I'm kind of confused as to what I should do with my life and what sacrifices I should/am willing to make in order to get what I want. And I wish I had someone to tell me to chill. And I wish someone would tell me which road to take and which not to take. I wish someone would tell me that I'm going to be ok. Could someone please save me?



This video really reminds me of Death Note. Guess it's part of what makes it so cool hahaha.

Wings

Credit: noirclair.deviantart.com

Thank you. That’s all I can say. And you will surely run away and never come anywhere near me after this for it will finally expose me for the nutcase I really am, but I have to say it. We broke up about a year ago (who am I kidding? A year and 13 days…not that I was counting, but we broke up on January 1^st so it’s kind of hard to not keep track), but I had a really hard time letting go of you and my feelings for you. I don’t know how important I was for you (probably just another girlfriend in the pile), but you occupied a very important place in my life. You were my first love and that made you (and despite everything you still are) special to me. You made me feel more alive than I had ever been. Needless to say, once I came back to Canada I started dying little by little, closing myself a little bit more everyday, suffocating under the days that passed by and only kept alive by your emails which after a while became more and more scarce. This cycle culminated in that New Year’s Day when everything ended and even though I fully agreed with the logic of our decision, my entire body somehow felt numb. The next day, for the first time in my life, at 6 AM I found myself wide awake and staring at the ceiling. You came to talk to me on the mess. You told me you made a stupid mistake. Hahaha, I was such an idiot to feel hope at those words. “I dyed my hair red!” Right. Stupid me. Months passed by, schoolwork piled up and I managed to forget to think about you. It somehow became more bearable. But whenever I was at parties, whenever I was hanging out with friends, whenever I felt lonely, my mind inevitably turned to you. Ha, I remember last May when you had that on-off relationship with that girl. You weren’t really dating, but you were so close to actually replacing me and it felt like we were breaking up all over again. I just couldn’t stand it. Now don’t get me wrong. I got over you six months ago. But there was still a link that pulled me towards you whenever I felt lost, like I somehow couldn’t let go. And now you tell me you have someone else in your life. I have finally and officially been replaced. By all means, this should have plunged me into a deep depression, but after the first awkward hour or two, I just felt….free! It’s like you reached out and cut the cord that tied me to you when I couldn’t. You compensated for my weakness and now for the first time in a year I can look around me and see the colors in the world. I can see the possibilities in front of me. I can wake up in the morning without having to wonder what the use of getting out of bed is. So thank you, you who have broken my wings and have finally given them back to me. Thank you for bringing me back from the dead.

Recap

Yesterday's history

Tomorrow is a mystery
But today is a gift
That's why it's called the "present"

(Master Oogway - Kung Fu Panda)

Sorry I couldn't help myself. I had planned to post the quote of the month on the 26th like I usually do, but this fitted so well here that I couldn't resist. And I do know that this quote doesn't originate from Kung Fu Panda, but that's where I discovered it and I'm too lazy to look for the first person who actually said this.

Hope in the future?

We always hear about how the younger generations will one day inherit this world, how they are our hope. Young people will rid this world of all evil or at least make it a better place. Whenever I hear that, after the slight instant of panic where I imagine myself having to ease the world of pollution (yeah right!), the economic crisis, world poverty, etc, etc, I slip in a state of complete disbelief at the naivety of older people (or maybe they're just putting up a show for us young people...which I hope, for their sake). We are going to make the world a better place? Really?? Is that just another modern way of making a hero of the lamb that's going to be slaughtered?

Because let's face it, the older generation (also known in the western world under the name of baby boomers) had all the fun at the party and now we're stuck cleaning the apartment. And I don't really mind that challenge. If only it would be a technical or a scientific problem. But we're not fighting against a lack of knowledge that prevents us from finding a solution. We're fighting against greed and egos, against hypocrisy and self-indulgence, we're fighting against the system! And how can you beat that? Of course there are the classical historical examples of how human rights activists and feminists fought against racism and sexism and how in the end they were victorious. Were they really? Personally, I think the subject is debatable.

I remember how at my first university orientation session, there was a speaker (I can't for the life of me remember his name) who talked about this topic and the advice he gave us at the end of his speech was to avoid becoming cynical. And my immediate (cynical) response was: and how pray tell do you do that? All you have to do is turn on the TV and all you see (whenever we're not brainwashed by soap operas and other pointless series) is politicians and governments who don't give a shit, pharmaceuticals and other multinationals who step on people and communities in order to maximize their already staggering profits, and, when you turn off the TV and start browsing the Internet, you realize that even the media lie or distort information.

The best example is this latest H1N1 flu crisis (oh by the way, does anyone know why they don't refer to it as the swine flu anymore? Because people stopped eating pork due to it. Hahaha, talk about media impact!). More people die in a week from AIDS or malaria than they have died from this stupid flu since this whole ordeal has started. But you don't see governments commissioning research teams to find a vaccine against AIDS or, ha big joke of the day, buying such vaccines had they existed for the entire population of the country! But for a stupid flu ('cause that's what it is in my opinion...slightly worse than a seasonal flu) everyone makes such a big fuss and almost everyday you see reporters in the news talking about the extra 3 people who died from the flu today (3 people?? Oh the horror! The horror!! Hey pinkie, how many people died from car crashes or from lung cancers (aka smokers) today?). Did anybody know that thousands of people die each year from regular seasonal flu? Well I didn't. Why? Because we never hear about them. And I'm not talking about India or Africa here. I'm talking about North America where the hygiene level is fairly high and the medical system...well, compared to South Africa, it's better...I will not comment further. But getting back on topic, it's amazing how easily we can be manipulated by mass media.

And after all this, us youngsters are supposed to keep an idealistic heart and commit our life to making the world a better place? Not bloody likely (as the Brits would put it)! And you know, maybe, just maybe, I could give my life to change the world if only, before I die, I could see some of that change actually taking place. But what are the chances of that happening? How many lives, how many generations need to perish before we will see one iota of a change in this godforsaken world? Therefore, in order for change to take place, you need to not only believe that the world can change, but also have faith that others will continue the work you have started once you are no more. Maybe I'm just a control freak who has trouble trusting others when it's time to do a good job, but frankly, my confidence in the human race is at its lowest and it just keeps dropping as the years go by. And if everyone in my generation is just as cynical and as disillusioned with the world as I am, well, pardon my language, but we are royally fucked.

Quote of the month

Ok I know that when you talk about the quote of the month it's supposed to be just that: A quote. But I want to put here three quotes that come back to the same subject which has been on my mind a lot lately.

"I submit to you that if a man has not discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live."

Martin Luther King Jr.

"I feel sorry for the person who can't get genuinely excited about his work. Not only will he never be satisfied, but he will never achieve anything worthwhile."

Walter Chrysler

"Some of us will do our jobs well and some will not, but we will be judged by only one thing: the result."

Vince Lombardi

All these things might seem common sense to most people, but to me it has been a bit of a revelation. I have been thinking about my future and about career options a lot lately. And that last quote struck a chord in my reflections. The effort you put into something is completely irrelevant and no one is going to give you brownie points because you have done your best. Your best is worthless unless it can produce results. So then when you choose a career, don't take into account such futile things like the pay or how likely you are to find a job in the field. Because you won't be able to keep your job if you aren't good at what you are doing. And maybe I'm just a naive kid whose eyes have suddenly been opened, but having the typical teenage flaw, I always considered myself somewhat invincible. In school, I always managed to get myself out of the most impossible situations and I did it fairly well. But the real world isn't like school and just telling myself that I'm going to be ok isn't enough anymore. I have to make up my mind, do something, and do it well! Or else nothing will matter... and that's scary.