Il faut avoir 20 ans pour critiquer le monde avec desinvolture

Bon, mini pause entre deux examens et je suis allée faire un peu de catch-up sur les chroniques de Benoit Lefebvre (pas trop eu le temps de le lire ce semestre). Et que vois-je dans la liste des titres? "Hier encore, j'avais 20 ans...". Hahaha! À part pour la coincidence due au fait que je chantais cette chanson ce matin en étudiant pour mon examen d'économie (c'était supposé me donner de l'entrain? pas trop sure... c'était plus la pensée "shit mon examen est dans 5 heures et j'ai encore 5 chapitres à étudier ET il faut que je mange quelque chose ET il faut que j'amène mon cul à l'université".... ouip, ça! ça motive toujours! Mais je divague comme d'habitude), il y a toujours l'attrait du au fait qu'on parle de mon groupe d'âge. Bref, ce que j'essaye de dire est que j'ai été attirée comme un moustique vers une lampe électrique.

Comme n'importe quel adulte qui essaye de nous faire grâce de sa sagesse, la chronique est très intéressante et il y a des parties qui ramènent des odeurs de vérité et de déjà-vu. Oui à 20 ans on a une opinion sur tout et on veut la faire valoir. Oui à 20 ans on pense qu'on sait tout. Dans la même optique qu'à 10 ou 15 ans on se trouve vieux, trop vieux pour le peu de droits qu'on a, à 20 on trouve qu'on a passé le plus dur et qu'enfin nous voilà adultes! Pfff, c'est une illusion dont on ne peut s'échapper. Je suis sure que les "adultes" de 30 ou 40 ans se dotent des mêmes ambitions et si l'humanité n'aurait pas été aussi obsédée par la jeunesse, Charles Aznavour chanterait "Hier encore, j'avais 40 ans" (à son âge, il pourrait les chanter toutes!). La maturité ou l'expérience de vie ne peut être évaluée qu'avec la comparaison. La vie n'est qu'un cheminement et ce qu'on gagne en maturité on perd en idéalisme et en vigueur. Plus on avance, plus on mélange les nuances et le noir et le blanc devient de plus en plus gris. Oui je connais très bien le fixisme du JAMAIS. Mais le fait est que chaque être humain est jeté dans ce monde confus et bizarre sans aucun repère autre que ceux donnés par ses parents et son éducation. Et tout va bien pour un moment jusqu'à quand on lui enseigne qu'il ne faut prendre rien pour acquis et qu'il faut tout regarder d'un oeil critique. Et là il ne sait plus quoi ou qui croire et il sent la terre qui fuit sous ses pieds. Et sa soif d'absolu ne peut être apaisée avec des nuances de gris. Alors en prenant le risque d'avoir tort, il s'accroche à JAMAIS et à TOUJOURS. Simplement parce que les humains ont besoin de réponses qui n'existent pas ou qu'ils n'ont pas encore les capacités de comprendre.

Hier encore, j'avais 20 ans, je gaspillais le temps en croyant l'arrêter et pour le retenir même le devancer, je n'ai fait que courir et me suis essoufflé. Ignorant le passé, conjuguant au futur, je précédais de moi toute conversation et donnais mon avis que je voulais le beau pour critiquer le monde avec désinvolture.

Boo!

I'm baaack! Didn't take long now, did it? Hahaha, however I'm not writing this post to talk about my absence or what it has brought me, and even less to explain my future plans. That shall come soon. This post is here to celebrate (a bit late) the wonderful holiday of Halloween. And while I'm at it, I'd like to present to you Jack and Flashy (ignore the cat...that's just plastic), my fabulous creations (with a touch of humility I must admit I had help...).


I have to say I've never been much of a Halloween fan (might have something to do with my culture) but this year I decided I was going to have fun. So I carved pumpkins (and dragged some poor souls into my folly), went to an improvised Halloween party (which consisted mostly of dancing on Shakira songs....man my abs were hurting at the end of the night!) and cooked (partly ruined) Halloween deserts (only on this occasion can you end up turning whipped cream into butter....not kidding at all!). The only thing I didn't do was get dressed. Oh well, there's always next year :D.

The only sad thing that I find is that with every passing year, there are less and less people going trick or treating (though I have to admit that when there's snow outside, you rarely feel like dressing up and going to freeze your ass off while you go knocking on people's doors), not to mention the diminishing number of decorated houses (you can barely find one on every block). However, there'll always be some things that never change like the following house which I never fail to visit every year. These people must spend thousands of dollars on Halloween decorations every year.


And with the passing of this event, we are brought into the month of November. This month is very special for me, because in exactly 20 days, I will turn 20 years old. I shall no longer be in my teens. And even thought this is an occasion for me to roll into a little ball and cry over the injustice of the aging process, I still think that this is a good opportunity to take a look at my life and put it in perspective. Because when all is said and done, I wish I could be a better person. I wish I could help others more. I wish I could be less selfish. I wish I could spend more time with those that I love. I wish I could be more efficient. I wish I could free the words and the shapes, the contours and the colors that are locked somewhere deep down inside me. I wish I could be a better student, a better employee, a better friend, a better daughter, a better lover. I wish I could tell everyone how much they mean to me. That's why I decided to dedicate this month (or in any case the next 20 days) to the people who count for me. So I'm taking the risk of sounding like a teenager leaving a message in someone's graduation album (but in a sense isn't that what turning 20 is like? Graduating your teenage years and moving on to young adulthood). This goes to all those who have been enduring my character in the good times as well as in the bad ones. This goes to those who have shared my laughter as well as my tears for the past couple of years. This goes to my family and my friends, to all my loved ones.

Hope in the future?

We always hear about how the younger generations will one day inherit this world, how they are our hope. Young people will rid this world of all evil or at least make it a better place. Whenever I hear that, after the slight instant of panic where I imagine myself having to ease the world of pollution (yeah right!), the economic crisis, world poverty, etc, etc, I slip in a state of complete disbelief at the naivety of older people (or maybe they're just putting up a show for us young people...which I hope, for their sake). We are going to make the world a better place? Really?? Is that just another modern way of making a hero of the lamb that's going to be slaughtered?

Because let's face it, the older generation (also known in the western world under the name of baby boomers) had all the fun at the party and now we're stuck cleaning the apartment. And I don't really mind that challenge. If only it would be a technical or a scientific problem. But we're not fighting against a lack of knowledge that prevents us from finding a solution. We're fighting against greed and egos, against hypocrisy and self-indulgence, we're fighting against the system! And how can you beat that? Of course there are the classical historical examples of how human rights activists and feminists fought against racism and sexism and how in the end they were victorious. Were they really? Personally, I think the subject is debatable.

I remember how at my first university orientation session, there was a speaker (I can't for the life of me remember his name) who talked about this topic and the advice he gave us at the end of his speech was to avoid becoming cynical. And my immediate (cynical) response was: and how pray tell do you do that? All you have to do is turn on the TV and all you see (whenever we're not brainwashed by soap operas and other pointless series) is politicians and governments who don't give a shit, pharmaceuticals and other multinationals who step on people and communities in order to maximize their already staggering profits, and, when you turn off the TV and start browsing the Internet, you realize that even the media lie or distort information.

The best example is this latest H1N1 flu crisis (oh by the way, does anyone know why they don't refer to it as the swine flu anymore? Because people stopped eating pork due to it. Hahaha, talk about media impact!). More people die in a week from AIDS or malaria than they have died from this stupid flu since this whole ordeal has started. But you don't see governments commissioning research teams to find a vaccine against AIDS or, ha big joke of the day, buying such vaccines had they existed for the entire population of the country! But for a stupid flu ('cause that's what it is in my opinion...slightly worse than a seasonal flu) everyone makes such a big fuss and almost everyday you see reporters in the news talking about the extra 3 people who died from the flu today (3 people?? Oh the horror! The horror!! Hey pinkie, how many people died from car crashes or from lung cancers (aka smokers) today?). Did anybody know that thousands of people die each year from regular seasonal flu? Well I didn't. Why? Because we never hear about them. And I'm not talking about India or Africa here. I'm talking about North America where the hygiene level is fairly high and the medical system...well, compared to South Africa, it's better...I will not comment further. But getting back on topic, it's amazing how easily we can be manipulated by mass media.

And after all this, us youngsters are supposed to keep an idealistic heart and commit our life to making the world a better place? Not bloody likely (as the Brits would put it)! And you know, maybe, just maybe, I could give my life to change the world if only, before I die, I could see some of that change actually taking place. But what are the chances of that happening? How many lives, how many generations need to perish before we will see one iota of a change in this godforsaken world? Therefore, in order for change to take place, you need to not only believe that the world can change, but also have faith that others will continue the work you have started once you are no more. Maybe I'm just a control freak who has trouble trusting others when it's time to do a good job, but frankly, my confidence in the human race is at its lowest and it just keeps dropping as the years go by. And if everyone in my generation is just as cynical and as disillusioned with the world as I am, well, pardon my language, but we are royally fucked.

Too young to feel this old

You know that you are waaaay too young to feel this old when you are listening to "Hier encore" by Charles Aznavour and you're not even 20! Well in that case, be it! Here is this wonderful song that should be nowhere near my IPod but nonetheless is there and has been there for quite some time.



Hier encore,
J'avais vingt ans.
Je caressais le temps,
Et jouais de la vie
Comme on joue de l'amour,
Et je vivais la nuit,
Sans compter sur mes jours
Qui fuyaient dans le temps.
J'ai fait tant de projets
Qui sont restés en l'air,
J'ai fondé tant d'espoirs
Qui se sont envolés,
Que je reste perdu
Ne sachant où aller,
Les yeux cherchant le ciel,
Mais le cœur mis en terre.

Hier encore,
J'avais vingt ans.
Je gaspillais le temps,
En croyant l'arrêter,
Et pour le retenir
Même le devancer,
Je n'ai fait que courir
Et me suis essoufflé.
Ignorant le passé,
Conjuguant au futur,
Je précédais de moi
Toute conversation
Et donnait mon avis que je voulais le beau,
Pour critiquer le monde
Avec désinvolture.

Hier encore,
J'avais vingt ans,
Mais j'ai perdu mon temps
A faire des folies
Qui ne me laissent au fond
Rien de vraiment précis,
Que quelques rides au front
Et la peur de l'ennui.
Car mes amours sont mortes
Avant que d'exister,
Mes amis sont partis et ne reviendront pas.
Par ma faute
J'ai fait le vide autour de moi,
Et j'ai gâché ma vie,
Et mes jeunes années.
Du meilleur et du pire,
En jetant le meilleur,
J'ai figé mes sourires,
Et j'ai glacé mes pleurs.
Où sont-ils à présent,
A présent,
Mes vingt ans?

As for the title of this post, it's taken from a Three Days Grace song called "World So Cold" (yes huge contrast with the previous song, but I like to mess people up).