Is this it?

Life is a continual flux. Change. Transformation. A recipe that constantly recreates itself with new components. New atoms, new molecules, new chemicals, new cells, new hair, new clothes, new songs, new places, new people. The only constant is the pattern. And to be part of the mechanism means to accept the rules of the game of transformations. To accept that some things have to be left behind. Why is it that such an integral part of nature is so difficult for us puny humans? Sure, we don't care if we lose an atom or two along the way. We never knew them on a personal level anyway. But when it comes to people and places, the story is entirely different. Saying goodbye never feels quite right. Some don't say it at all. Sometimes, it is simply implied in the structure of the relationship. People grow apart. Letters become brief. Words grow cold. It is the simple natural progression of two lives moving in opposite directions. And as we gain years, we accumulate more and more of these letters written in a hurry before getting back to our everyday life. Letters that feel like a pause in time. And we feel guilty. For not taking the time. For not writing more often. For not putting in more effort to keep this alive. It becomes a chain that we carry around our heart. As we gain years, the chain becomes longer as we leave more and more people behind. Is this what life is about? A growing progression of relationships plugged in to machinery that keeps them artificially alive? Guilt and regrets that weigh heavier by the years? Or maybe I'm holding on when I should just let go?

"Amintiri din copilarie" ou les déficiences d'un enfant face au mois de septembre

Souvent je trouve une source de fierté dans mon habileté à être immature et enfantine. Dans mes envies de sauter partout et de chanter dans la rue malgré les regards des gens autour. Et puis au diable l'opinion publique! C'est bien pour ça que je n'irai jamais en politique (oui, bon, d'autres raisons aussi,, mais je divague...).

Par contre, j'observe un truc remarquable avec le passage du temps (parce que oui, je vieillis malgré moi). Dans les dernières années, tout a changé si vite autour de moi, que ce soit les gens, les conditions ou les situations. Et ça me terrifiait! Chaque mois de septembre j'avais une peur bleue de commencer une nouvelle année, de devoir encore socialiser avec des gens qui m'étaient inconnus. Et pour deux-trois semaines je redevenais l'enfant qui va à son premier cours d'école et qui essaye de rester aussi immobile que possible dans son banc pour attirer le moins d'attention possible. Et tu espères que le tout passera plus vite et que tu seras bientôt de retour chez toi (parce que prier pour que ce soit moins pénible c'est vraiment demander un peu trop).

Mais voilà que depuis quelques mois, ces cycles, ces changements, ces gens qui partent de ma vie, eh bien, ça ne me fait plus peur. Un peu comme avec le vent frisquet par une belle soirée d'été qui peut devenir même agréable lorsque tu décides de l'accepter comme une partie intégrale du paysage. Un peu comme le fait d'être pris dans la pluie et, une fois que tu es complètement mouillée, tu peux choisir d'arrêter de courir pour trouver un abri et juste savourer la sensation des gouttes d'eau sur ta peau. Un peu comme le fait de lâcher prise et juste se laisser emporter par le courant de l'eau. Tel un enfant, je n'aime pas perdre mes amis et j'ai peur de parler avec les gens que je ne connais pas. Mais tel un adulte, j'apprends à ne plus m'accrocher au passé et à ne plus me cacher de la vie.

Le changement peut être agréable lorsqu'on décide de ne pas s'y opposer. Le changement nous fait évoluer (parce qu'aussi surprenant que ça puisse l'être, l'évolution intellectuelle ne vient pas juste avec les lectures de Sartre et de Marx). Alors bienvenue la vie avec tes tournures inespérées et tes caprices. Bienvenue le mois de septembre que je n'hairai plus à présent (par contre je me réserve toujours le droit de hair le dimanche soir et le lundi matin.... on ne peut pas tout avoir dans la vie, non?). Et surtout, bienvenue le vent et le courant, mes nouveaux fidèles amis que je chérirai et à qui je ferai confiance pour m'amener par dessus des océans et des temps.

J'adore être un enfant et l'innocence qu'on peut ressentir dans la jeunesse. Mais parfois j'ai très hâte d'évoluer...

Change the world and live forever

Hope in the future?

We always hear about how the younger generations will one day inherit this world, how they are our hope. Young people will rid this world of all evil or at least make it a better place. Whenever I hear that, after the slight instant of panic where I imagine myself having to ease the world of pollution (yeah right!), the economic crisis, world poverty, etc, etc, I slip in a state of complete disbelief at the naivety of older people (or maybe they're just putting up a show for us young people...which I hope, for their sake). We are going to make the world a better place? Really?? Is that just another modern way of making a hero of the lamb that's going to be slaughtered?

Because let's face it, the older generation (also known in the western world under the name of baby boomers) had all the fun at the party and now we're stuck cleaning the apartment. And I don't really mind that challenge. If only it would be a technical or a scientific problem. But we're not fighting against a lack of knowledge that prevents us from finding a solution. We're fighting against greed and egos, against hypocrisy and self-indulgence, we're fighting against the system! And how can you beat that? Of course there are the classical historical examples of how human rights activists and feminists fought against racism and sexism and how in the end they were victorious. Were they really? Personally, I think the subject is debatable.

I remember how at my first university orientation session, there was a speaker (I can't for the life of me remember his name) who talked about this topic and the advice he gave us at the end of his speech was to avoid becoming cynical. And my immediate (cynical) response was: and how pray tell do you do that? All you have to do is turn on the TV and all you see (whenever we're not brainwashed by soap operas and other pointless series) is politicians and governments who don't give a shit, pharmaceuticals and other multinationals who step on people and communities in order to maximize their already staggering profits, and, when you turn off the TV and start browsing the Internet, you realize that even the media lie or distort information.

The best example is this latest H1N1 flu crisis (oh by the way, does anyone know why they don't refer to it as the swine flu anymore? Because people stopped eating pork due to it. Hahaha, talk about media impact!). More people die in a week from AIDS or malaria than they have died from this stupid flu since this whole ordeal has started. But you don't see governments commissioning research teams to find a vaccine against AIDS or, ha big joke of the day, buying such vaccines had they existed for the entire population of the country! But for a stupid flu ('cause that's what it is in my opinion...slightly worse than a seasonal flu) everyone makes such a big fuss and almost everyday you see reporters in the news talking about the extra 3 people who died from the flu today (3 people?? Oh the horror! The horror!! Hey pinkie, how many people died from car crashes or from lung cancers (aka smokers) today?). Did anybody know that thousands of people die each year from regular seasonal flu? Well I didn't. Why? Because we never hear about them. And I'm not talking about India or Africa here. I'm talking about North America where the hygiene level is fairly high and the medical system...well, compared to South Africa, it's better...I will not comment further. But getting back on topic, it's amazing how easily we can be manipulated by mass media.

And after all this, us youngsters are supposed to keep an idealistic heart and commit our life to making the world a better place? Not bloody likely (as the Brits would put it)! And you know, maybe, just maybe, I could give my life to change the world if only, before I die, I could see some of that change actually taking place. But what are the chances of that happening? How many lives, how many generations need to perish before we will see one iota of a change in this godforsaken world? Therefore, in order for change to take place, you need to not only believe that the world can change, but also have faith that others will continue the work you have started once you are no more. Maybe I'm just a control freak who has trouble trusting others when it's time to do a good job, but frankly, my confidence in the human race is at its lowest and it just keeps dropping as the years go by. And if everyone in my generation is just as cynical and as disillusioned with the world as I am, well, pardon my language, but we are royally fucked.