Answers in Wonderland

It's funny how the older I get, the more I need silence. Complete silence. Sometimes I wish I could slow down everything. The trains passing by, the sun going up in the sky, the Earth inexorably turning aroung its axis, my thoughts going around in circles again and again around the same topics in an endless spiral that never reaches its origin. I now realize that crossing the ocean is not enough to find peace or serenity. Because the storm is within and no matter how far I go, it will just follow me to the end of the world. The truth is that I always wanted to solve everything through logic, reason and organisation. But the more I think, the less I know. And that doesn't make sense... And the fear never goes away. And the more I want to slow down, the faster the world seems to spin. In these moments, you feel like a small child too afraid of what is on the other side of the window. And when reality becomes stranger than fiction, maybe we're better off on the other side of the looking glass.

I wanted to embrace change... but not this kind of change. I can accept people growing up, getting married and having kids. But I was not prepared for changes in geography... Benoit Lefebvre was talking about changing the sofas around in our heads. Sure Ben, that sounds good... maybe we should all take 5 months off and just study the great social questions of the world. Except.. wait, we kind of don't have the time for that! So instead we'll just butt head on into each other and the last one standing will be the one who's right. 

It's funny how in the end the difference between theory and practice is just emotion. I remember my Theory of Knowledge class where Brian Aboud taught us the different ways of knowing. Empiricism, reason, language, some other stuff that I forgot and... emotion. And I never understood how emotion could teach you anything. I always thought it could motivate you to learn, it could bring inspiration, but never any actual knowledge per say. Well, emotion is the difference between a vague theoretical knowledge of social unrest in Syria and a practical, bone-chilling knowledge of social unrest in Montreal. It's the difference between the pieds noirs talking about their experience of the Algerian war and their forced immigration to France and the growing possibility of an independent Québec with all that it would imply for the immigrants already established there.

I'm tired of thinking. I wish I could separate instincts and biases from actual reasons. Ironically, I don't even want to put in the effort of creating Wonderland. After all, it would be nice if the Mad Hatter would just knock on my door tomorrow and give me the answers. Twisted, irrational and absurd answers, true, but nowadays normal and rational have lost all their meaning, so why bother?

Taking off

Here it is. Last hours. I'm going to keep this brief, for one thing because I don't have much time and also because I feel that this could turn overly dramatic. So:

Pack suitcase: check
Fill out all the stupid forms: more or less check
Send last emails: check

I don't know what much to say... It's going to be an amazing experience even though right now it feels somewhat scary. But fear is a normal part of the process. Fear always accompanies change. But change is good. And like they said in this one movie: the things you are most scared of are the ones that are most worthwhile.

Battles and virtues

Funny how we end up despising that which we are. When every move we make is somehow scrutinized, we just spend our lives perfecting our masks in an effort to make them look natural and real. Maybe it might be easier to be ourselves in a foreign land where no one knows us and where we can just blend in the crowd. Let's be honest for just one second here. While we might act all strong and confident, in the end there's always that lonely night when your true face is revealed and it shows the one feeling that you try to hide so much: fear. Life is scary like hell. And I don't think that there's a particular moment when it stops. Routine is the only thing that might put an end to the fear. When you've gone through the motions so often that it becomes a mechanical mindless act, when you can predict every single twitch that comes next, that is when you stop being afraid. That is also when you stop being alive. While humans might generally be averse to fear, it is also what keeps us focused and lucid. Nothing is more exhilarating than making a choice to face your fears and to let yourself fall into the unknown. Fear is an integral part of life and it makes us evolve. Without it, we become simple shells blown away by the wind.

Then again, you need to choose your battles. There is a reason why people are afraid of standing in front of a running train and that is a fear that should NOT be faced!

I also think that something interesting comes out when you do something that you're afraid of, so I try to take things that I'm not sure that I can do. And this was certainly one of them. I didn't feel like I was right for this at all, and I wondered how to find truth in a fairy tale.

Ryan Gosling

Where is my mind?

Sometimes you really just feel like everything is just going to the dogs. Like you're really loosing it and everything is moving one thousand miles an hour in the wrong direction. If there is such a thing as a right direction. And you just feel like yelling STOP! Because you can't breathe anymore. Because you actually have to concentrate in order to get the air into your lungs and not suffocate. Sometimes you wish you could rewind, but you don't quite know exactly to where. There's just too much disorder, too much to do and you're so afraid, and you just want to stop, and you just want to collapse. But you can't. Is that what growing up is like?

Nu ma uita

Uneori chiar ma intreb pana unde te poate duce iubirea. Acest sentiment pe care multi il considera ca fiind sursa celor mai mari nebunii pe care oamenii le-au facut vreodata (in afara poate de credinta si de nationalism....dar daca ne gandim bine, amandoua reprezinta o forma de iubire, una de Dumnezeu si cealalta de tara). Sa-ti dai viata pentru o alta fiinta doar pentru ca iubirea ta pentru ea este mai mare decat instinctul de prezervare, sa renunti la tot doar pentru ca celalat ti-o cere si pentru ca simti ca sufoci fara acea prezenta in viata ta. Si sa fiu sincera... nu pricep.

Vorbeam azi cu Cris si el imi spunea cum vrea sa se mute in Belgia pentru ca iubita lui se va muta acolo cu parintii ei si pentru ca el nu vrea sa se desparta de ea. Si poate ca eu am prea multe circuite in mine si prea putine sentimente, dar mi se pare ca face o greseala... si in acelasi timp il admir. As vrea sa am curajul lui. Sa lasi totul in urma, parinti, prieteni, locuri cunoscute, o viata comfortabila, doar ca sa urmezi o persoana care nici macar nu stii daca va mai fi langa tine peste cinci ani. Ce-i drept, ei au trecut prin multe pana acum, de la parinti care se impotrivesc, la mofturi si certuri pentru motive puerile si gelozi neintemeiate. S-au despartit de vreo 3 ori pana acum si separarile au durat de la o saptamana la un an. Deci poate ca toate astea au contribuit sa faca relatia lor mai puternica, dar nu poti spune ca va rezista la orice si ca va dura pentru totdeauna. E un risc enorm pe care el il ia in acest caz pentru aceasta fata si nu stiu cat de mult se merita. Dar el spune ca problema asta nici nu se pune.

Ce e drept, Cris intotdeauna a fost un romantic. Cinic, dar romantic. Acum vreun an jumate stateam de vorba (mai degraba eu plangeam si el ma consola hahaha) despre Iepurele si el imi spunea ca daca ar fi fost in locul meu, el s-ar fi mutat chiar si in satul cel mai pierdut doar ca sa fie cu persoana pe care o iubeste. Si eu i-am zambit si i-am zis ca asta nu e cazul meu. Si uite ca acum imi dovedeste ca nu sunt doar vorbe in vant.

Dar chestia care ma roade cel mai tare este ca niciodata nu asi fi in stare sa ma sacrific pentru dragoste. Si atunci intrebarea pe care mi-o pun este, ma simt asa din cauza personalitatii mele si felul meu de a gandi, sau pur si simplu pentru ca niciodata nu am simtit dragostea aceea adevarata despre care toti vorbesc in carti si in filme, care supravietuieste furtunilor si anilor. Uneori imi spun ca prima mea dragoste a murit pentru ca eu n-am avut curajul sa fac ceva, pentru ca nici n-am considerat optiunea de a ma sacrifica pentru el. Si ironia sortii este ca nici acum nu m-asi putea vedea considerand optiunea aia. Pentru ca riscul e prea mare. Pentru ca toata viata mea mi s-a impuiat capul cu idea ca trebuie sa fiu independenta si ca trebuie sa am securitate financiara. Pentru ca nu am incredere in oameni. Si in special, pentru ca nu am incredere in dragoste. Niciodata nu a existat un sentiment mai puternic si in acelasi timp mai fragil. Dragostea e atat de instabila... in fine, poate doar in cazul meu.

E tarziu si nu stiu ce vroiam sa mai spun. Doar ca nu inteleg. Si ca poate nu esti atat de limitat in viata precum credeam eu initial. Dar iti impui singur limite.

Philosophically critical dissection of a human heart

This post is specifically dedicated to Alice (Pumpkin, if you're reading this, I'm sure you're pulling your hairs out right now hahaha)

How do you know you're in love? No seriously, how do you know? I mean, I've heard this so many times that by now that I'm starting to hate the expression, but, every love is different. So by considering that premise, you can't base yourself on past experiences to know.

Sometimes love is explosive and hits you like a ton of bricks. You're strolling down the sidewalk and suddenly divine inspiration strikes you and you realize that you are madly in love with the idiot. And the realization somehow forces you to stop dead in your tracks and, depending on how emotionally unstable you are, you start to cry.

And other times, love creeps on you slowly and without you actually knowing what the hell is happening to you. It is so gradual that you barely notice the difference in your state of mind and you just end up very very confused. All you know is that you go to bed thinking about him and when you wake up, he's the first thing on your mind (after the mandatory, oh no I don't want to get out of bed can't I just sleep for 5-10-30 more minutes?). And you become needy and bitchy (though you try your hardest not to show it) and you want to bash his skull in if he doesn't write or call for a full 24 hours (ha who am I kidding, even 12 hours and you are starting to go crazy). And sometimes it's better and you feel almost like a normal human being and you can go through your day and get your things done without having to wonder what he's doing (unless you're in a mind-blowingly boring marketing class and then you really can't help yourself from texting him to come over to "study" later). And when he's there, you just want to hug him and kiss him and touch him and make him laugh. You'd do anything just to see him laugh. And when you kiss him you keep your eyes open, not wanting to miss the moment when he opens his eyes, not wanting to miss the dazed look in those gorgeous green orbs. And when you're in his arms, you just want to stay there forever (well ok let's not use forever, cause past experiences have taught me to be wary of that word). And sometimes he can be very thick and insensitive (though that could be the princess in me speaking....oh well, we can't change who we are now can we?) and you just want to slap him, but you will refrain because that will reveal the needy bitch that you are trying so hard to conceal. And you're not an innocent lamb either. Sometimes you wonder if you made the right choice, sometimes you wonder what it would be like if you were dating that guy or the other (always question everything hahaha). And you desperately want this to be special, and you desperately want to be special in his life, but you really have no way of knowing. To begin with you started out as friends and slowly moved from there and so very often you're scared of being just a convenience for him. And the summum of hypocrisy is that while you have compared him countless times to your ex, you're deathly afraid that he might be doing the same thing (and that she might somehow be better than you). And maybe the most important thing of all, he's never specifically told you that he loves you.

So all that to say that I have no clue what this is... Is it love, is it lust, is it emotional dependence, is it loneliness, is it convenience, is it routine? The more you think about it and the more you try to analyze it, the more confused you end up. Though have no fear, I'm sure that one day (with enough discoveries being made about the brain and its inner workings), I'll find the physical equations that will explain the human heart and I'll win a Nobel Prize for it mwahahaha!! Ok maybe not. In the mean time, I'm stuck dissecting and analyzing. Robot over and out.