This post is specifically dedicated to Alice (Pumpkin, if you're reading this, I'm sure you're pulling your hairs out right now hahaha)
How do you know you're in love? No seriously, how do you know? I mean, I've heard this so many times that by now that I'm starting to hate the expression, but, every love is different. So by considering that premise, you can't base yourself on past experiences to know.
Sometimes love is explosive and hits you like a ton of bricks. You're strolling down the sidewalk and suddenly divine inspiration strikes you and you realize that you are madly in love with the idiot. And the realization somehow forces you to stop dead in your tracks and, depending on how emotionally unstable you are, you start to cry.
And other times, love creeps on you slowly and without you actually knowing what the hell is happening to you. It is so gradual that you barely notice the difference in your state of mind and you just end up very very confused. All you know is that you go to bed thinking about him and when you wake up, he's the first thing on your mind (after the mandatory, oh no I don't want to get out of bed can't I just sleep for 5-10-30 more minutes?). And you become needy and bitchy (though you try your hardest not to show it) and you want to bash his skull in if he doesn't write or call for a full 24 hours (ha who am I kidding, even 12 hours and you are starting to go crazy). And sometimes it's better and you feel almost like a normal human being and you can go through your day and get your things done without having to wonder what he's doing (unless you're in a mind-blowingly boring marketing class and then you really can't help yourself from texting him to come over to "study" later). And when he's there, you just want to hug him and kiss him and touch him and make him laugh. You'd do anything just to see him laugh. And when you kiss him you keep your eyes open, not wanting to miss the moment when he opens his eyes, not wanting to miss the dazed look in those gorgeous green orbs. And when you're in his arms, you just want to stay there forever (well ok let's not use forever, cause past experiences have taught me to be wary of that word). And sometimes he can be very thick and insensitive (though that could be the princess in me speaking....oh well, we can't change who we are now can we?) and you just want to slap him, but you will refrain because that will reveal the needy bitch that you are trying so hard to conceal. And you're not an innocent lamb either. Sometimes you wonder if you made the right choice, sometimes you wonder what it would be like if you were dating that guy or the other (always question everything hahaha). And you desperately want this to be special, and you desperately want to be special in his life, but you really have no way of knowing. To begin with you started out as friends and slowly moved from there and so very often you're scared of being just a convenience for him. And the summum of hypocrisy is that while you have compared him countless times to your ex, you're deathly afraid that he might be doing the same thing (and that she might somehow be better than you). And maybe the most important thing of all, he's never specifically told you that he loves you.
So all that to say that I have no clue what this is... Is it love, is it lust, is it emotional dependence, is it loneliness, is it convenience, is it routine? The more you think about it and the more you try to analyze it, the more confused you end up. Though have no fear, I'm sure that one day (with enough discoveries being made about the brain and its inner workings), I'll find the physical equations that will explain the human heart and I'll win a Nobel Prize for it mwahahaha!! Ok maybe not. In the mean time, I'm stuck dissecting and analyzing. Robot over and out.
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