Answers in Wonderland

It's funny how the older I get, the more I need silence. Complete silence. Sometimes I wish I could slow down everything. The trains passing by, the sun going up in the sky, the Earth inexorably turning aroung its axis, my thoughts going around in circles again and again around the same topics in an endless spiral that never reaches its origin. I now realize that crossing the ocean is not enough to find peace or serenity. Because the storm is within and no matter how far I go, it will just follow me to the end of the world. The truth is that I always wanted to solve everything through logic, reason and organisation. But the more I think, the less I know. And that doesn't make sense... And the fear never goes away. And the more I want to slow down, the faster the world seems to spin. In these moments, you feel like a small child too afraid of what is on the other side of the window. And when reality becomes stranger than fiction, maybe we're better off on the other side of the looking glass.

I wanted to embrace change... but not this kind of change. I can accept people growing up, getting married and having kids. But I was not prepared for changes in geography... Benoit Lefebvre was talking about changing the sofas around in our heads. Sure Ben, that sounds good... maybe we should all take 5 months off and just study the great social questions of the world. Except.. wait, we kind of don't have the time for that! So instead we'll just butt head on into each other and the last one standing will be the one who's right. 

It's funny how in the end the difference between theory and practice is just emotion. I remember my Theory of Knowledge class where Brian Aboud taught us the different ways of knowing. Empiricism, reason, language, some other stuff that I forgot and... emotion. And I never understood how emotion could teach you anything. I always thought it could motivate you to learn, it could bring inspiration, but never any actual knowledge per say. Well, emotion is the difference between a vague theoretical knowledge of social unrest in Syria and a practical, bone-chilling knowledge of social unrest in Montreal. It's the difference between the pieds noirs talking about their experience of the Algerian war and their forced immigration to France and the growing possibility of an independent Québec with all that it would imply for the immigrants already established there.

I'm tired of thinking. I wish I could separate instincts and biases from actual reasons. Ironically, I don't even want to put in the effort of creating Wonderland. After all, it would be nice if the Mad Hatter would just knock on my door tomorrow and give me the answers. Twisted, irrational and absurd answers, true, but nowadays normal and rational have lost all their meaning, so why bother?

Holding on to Now

Here you are now, finally, now, you are here, now, but now is not now, now would be now if now wouldn’t have passed while I was telling you that you are here now, but you are here, here with me and you and here and please forgive me for now, because now is not here anymore, unfortunately we won’t be seeing him anymore, because now is gone and how dreadful that is, but, oh well, you are here even though now isn’t. What is that? Now will forever be here? Well not now now, but the new now will follow the old one who will no longer be now and when the new now will be gone, another will follow and so no now will ever be with us long enough as it is forever passing and forever fleeting. I’m sorry what were you saying? Why does it matter? Well, young lady, it certainly does matter for, if now always comes and goes, how can you ever sit down for tea with him? He is dreadfully rude I must say and it is terribly hard to uphold a conversation with him. I have been telling him for ages to slow down and just sit down and have a cup of tea with us. I tell you, there is simply nothing to be done with him. Now is simply a horrid guest to have and I am so sorry you had to be exposed to his ruddish ways and on your first visit here too. Please accept my deepest apologies, will you? I’m sorry dear, you’ll have to speak up. My hearing isn’t as good as it used to be when I first started drinking tea. You say you are not here for now? Well, of course you are here for now! Since you are here now! If only now could stay for a moment, I’m sure he could make you feel much more welcome! When you manage to catch up with him, his conversation is most stimulating I must say! Though he seems to be in much of a hurry today. It must be you who scared him off my dear! You are such an interesting young lady and, you see, now does not like interesting people as their conversation may enter in competition with his own. So you must understand, in those situations he simply panics and runs faster and faster. However, when our guests are complete and utter bores, now all of a sudden slows down until almost stopping. Oh if only you were a bore dear. Oh but, by the Queen’s head, I think I’ve got it Mr. Rabbit! Why we just have to find ourselves a bore and now will then have to stop and sit down for tea with us! And then Alice will finally get to meet him! Would you like that my dear? Oh, what am I saying? Of course you would! Since you are here now and for now and now will have to be here now, for now is not now without now…