Answers in Wonderland

It's funny how the older I get, the more I need silence. Complete silence. Sometimes I wish I could slow down everything. The trains passing by, the sun going up in the sky, the Earth inexorably turning aroung its axis, my thoughts going around in circles again and again around the same topics in an endless spiral that never reaches its origin. I now realize that crossing the ocean is not enough to find peace or serenity. Because the storm is within and no matter how far I go, it will just follow me to the end of the world. The truth is that I always wanted to solve everything through logic, reason and organisation. But the more I think, the less I know. And that doesn't make sense... And the fear never goes away. And the more I want to slow down, the faster the world seems to spin. In these moments, you feel like a small child too afraid of what is on the other side of the window. And when reality becomes stranger than fiction, maybe we're better off on the other side of the looking glass.

I wanted to embrace change... but not this kind of change. I can accept people growing up, getting married and having kids. But I was not prepared for changes in geography... Benoit Lefebvre was talking about changing the sofas around in our heads. Sure Ben, that sounds good... maybe we should all take 5 months off and just study the great social questions of the world. Except.. wait, we kind of don't have the time for that! So instead we'll just butt head on into each other and the last one standing will be the one who's right. 

It's funny how in the end the difference between theory and practice is just emotion. I remember my Theory of Knowledge class where Brian Aboud taught us the different ways of knowing. Empiricism, reason, language, some other stuff that I forgot and... emotion. And I never understood how emotion could teach you anything. I always thought it could motivate you to learn, it could bring inspiration, but never any actual knowledge per say. Well, emotion is the difference between a vague theoretical knowledge of social unrest in Syria and a practical, bone-chilling knowledge of social unrest in Montreal. It's the difference between the pieds noirs talking about their experience of the Algerian war and their forced immigration to France and the growing possibility of an independent Québec with all that it would imply for the immigrants already established there.

I'm tired of thinking. I wish I could separate instincts and biases from actual reasons. Ironically, I don't even want to put in the effort of creating Wonderland. After all, it would be nice if the Mad Hatter would just knock on my door tomorrow and give me the answers. Twisted, irrational and absurd answers, true, but nowadays normal and rational have lost all their meaning, so why bother?