All is new and all is old

Here we are. Another year is dying before our eyes and it is time for the traditional look back on the past twelve months. And as I'm trying to find a word (or two) to qualify the year that has just passed, the only thing that comes to mind is frantic. It started off at a leisurely pace, but by the time the first third was done, I was back to running back and forth between ten million activities. Though it doesn't make for a very healthy lifestyle, I can't say I hate it. I guess that by keeping busy you make sure that you're never bored and there's always something new to discover (even though you might also sometimes feel like you're close to losing your mind).

Another theme that came out strongly this year was creativity, discovery, emerveillement and, if I may say so, dreams. It was a year for pushing the boundaries of what is possible, for remembering what is like to be a kid, for letting yourself bask in wonder. And though the ups and downs were huge, I had a wonderful time through it all.

2011 also marked my official and definitive break-up with tequila (it's not you babe, it's me!) and it saw me crossing over to the dark side (I decided to buy... a purse. Shhhhh!!! No one has to know!!).

I dedicated 2011 to selfishness and self-discovery. Now I think it's time for self-improvement. So I'm dedicating 2012 to discipline and knowledge. I want to take my time. RDI had a commercial where they said that for the new year, they wish everyone to make a difference in the lives of their loved ones. Well, I'm not going so far, but I want to make a difference in my life. So, while taking the risk of sounding cliché, here's to better habits!

Happy New Year everyone!

How fairytale stories ruin girls' lives

The theme for me is love and the lack of it. We all want that and we don't know how to get it, and everything we do is some kind of attempt to capture it for ourselves.

Romance and marriage are socially constructed ideas enforced through popular fiction, sappy romance novels and movies and not to mention wannabe rock songs by former heartthrob Bon Jovi. How can a poor innocent little girl defend herself from this assault on her senses, her feelings and her very core which with enough training and brainwashing will flock like a moth to an electric light bulb to the dreamy but also unrealistic ideals of romance? The truth is no guy will run after you just because you are hurting to stop you from running away; if you publicly declare your love for him in front of complete strangers while using a microphone and a spotlight, he will run, not sigh; and men frankly care more about their goddamn ego than about what you might be feeling. Some people say that they are addicted to porn and that after watching it they might feel sullied and ashamed of themselves. Well, I feel that way…. after watching romantic comedies. Because they enforce a twisted reflection of reality and they leave you pinning after something that does not exist. Kind of like advertising creates a distorted vision of women and their role in society, these stories create a distortion of what a real relationship is like. And the truth is that it doesn’t end with the marriage or with the two people discovering they are in love with each other. Life goes on afterward and sooner or later it becomes ugly and messy and you fight and you want to strangle each other and then you don’t care anymore and you start taking each other for granted and “I love you” becomes just another way of saying goodbye and you wake up one morning and ask yourself what the hell you are doing with that stranger that you don’t love anymore and of whom you don’t understand the slightest thing. And that is when you have to make the hardest decision ever: do I stick with it and try to make it work despite everything at least for the sake of all those years that we spent together and which I don’t want to have been in vain, or do I just pick up my things and start over again. The problem with the way that these movies depict relationships is that they give you the idea that everything is supposed to always be good and happy and dreamy and that people always learn their lessons when they make mistakes. And that’s not how life is. And when life departs from that fantasy people tell themselves that their partner just isn’t right for them and that they just need to keep looking. And they keep looking and keep looking. But it’s impossible to ever find that perfection in reality. Because people aren’t perfect. And as long as we focus on our needs and on how the other person makes US feel, we’ll never manage to be happy or functional in a relationship. I saw this one movie where this guy brings his fiancée and her parents home to meet his parents. And after a fight, the groom is sitting on the porch with his father and his future father-in-law and the advice that they give him is that he needs to decide whether he wants to be right or whether he wants to be happy in his relationship because he can’t have both. That was actually kind of cute. But I never see the same being said to women… because despite our all-mightiness, we can’t take it. We want to see humble, selfless men who are so in love with us that they would be willing to throw their life away just to be with us. And that everything will be alright just as long as we love each other. But love is not enough sometimes. Sometimes I wonder whether love is even a requirement. People have fought so long against arranged marriages because they are not based on love. But what is love? And why would it be an absolute requirement for a happy life? What about respect and friendship and trust? One philosopher once said that true love is what is left after the feeling of being in love disappears. After the butterflies and the heart flutters and the light-headedness go away. What do we have left after that? What do most couple have if you take away the lust and the sex and the flirtatious excitement of new beginnings? Is it comfort? Is it understanding? Is it traditions? Is it inside jokes? Is it shared experiences? Or is it just plain nothingness? Le vide? The sad part is that the movies that actually speak of real life and real relationships, well frankly, they’re so depressing that you don’t really want to see them. Take Blue Valentine for example. That was a painful movie to watch. But it speaks volumes about how couples can become estranged and how even your best efforts are not enough sometimes. But I don’t know one person who would want to watch it on a Friday evening. Because we all want to see the happy and positive side of relationships. Sometimes with the risk of becoming blind to their other facets.

We are all brainwashed nowadays. Men with porn and women with romantic comedies. But where is the true world in all that?

Battles and virtues

Funny how we end up despising that which we are. When every move we make is somehow scrutinized, we just spend our lives perfecting our masks in an effort to make them look natural and real. Maybe it might be easier to be ourselves in a foreign land where no one knows us and where we can just blend in the crowd. Let's be honest for just one second here. While we might act all strong and confident, in the end there's always that lonely night when your true face is revealed and it shows the one feeling that you try to hide so much: fear. Life is scary like hell. And I don't think that there's a particular moment when it stops. Routine is the only thing that might put an end to the fear. When you've gone through the motions so often that it becomes a mechanical mindless act, when you can predict every single twitch that comes next, that is when you stop being afraid. That is also when you stop being alive. While humans might generally be averse to fear, it is also what keeps us focused and lucid. Nothing is more exhilarating than making a choice to face your fears and to let yourself fall into the unknown. Fear is an integral part of life and it makes us evolve. Without it, we become simple shells blown away by the wind.

Then again, you need to choose your battles. There is a reason why people are afraid of standing in front of a running train and that is a fear that should NOT be faced!

I also think that something interesting comes out when you do something that you're afraid of, so I try to take things that I'm not sure that I can do. And this was certainly one of them. I didn't feel like I was right for this at all, and I wondered how to find truth in a fairy tale.

Ryan Gosling

The Grinch that stole Christmas

The older I get, the more the idea of Christmas escapes me. With every passing year the magic wears off more and more and I can't seem to get into the so called "Christmas spirit". The excitement disappeared and left only annoyance, frustration and pure coldness. I don't even know what this time of the year is supposed to feel like anymore. Objectively speaking what is Christmas? Last minute shopping in crowded malls where everyone is pushing and pulling and where you are running to get presents in a pre-established amount of time. Crappy sentimental stories (either real or invented) that are supposed to remind us of our humanity by shamelessly pulling at our heartstrings without any real regard for the issue at hand. Sort of like a general fad... hey it's Christmas so this is the one time of the year that we absolutely HAVE TO repeat to you ad nauseaum how love is the only real salvation for this world (in the absence of Jesus for the nonbelievers... though when you think about it, it comes down to the same thing since Jesus was probably THE initial hippie). People asking you for money at every street corner so it's basically a daily guilt trip whenever you take the metro. Commercials trying to convince you for the n-th time that absolute happiness CAN be found in a bottle of shaving cream and that your brother in law who can't stand the sight of you will have no choice but to love you for all eternity if you also get him a pack for Christmas. Dreary suppers where you hear the same stories and same jokes over and over again.

Ironically, the first time I actually felt a semblance of holiday cheer this year was when I heard this song earlier even though it has absolutely nothing to do with the season especially when you actually listen to the lyrics. But at this point, even a sterile and tasteless Christmas spirit is better than none. It's funny how memories and images can get imprinted onto music. I see my late godmother's yard filled with snow with the dark green bushes contrasting sharply. The sky is cloudy but it gives a bluish hue to the scenery that is soothing. It's early morning and absolutely desert and quiet. And that's it. An almost postcard entrance.



Does that mean that I would rather spend Christmas by myself? Maybe it's a good thing that I'm leaving soon. Funny how the solitude is what attracts me most about Paris. Everything is very scary in this move, but ironically, it is the idea that I will be alone and in peace that keeps me sane. I think the Big Bang Theory might be rubbing off on me and I'm slowly becoming Sheldon Cooper...

Quotes

I dropped the "of the month" since it's been a looooong time since I haven't kept up with it...

Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.

Newt Gingrich

Success is never final, failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts.

John Wooden

Penser autrement

Maybe I only find this good because of the late hour and because I'm falling asleep. But anyway, it's cute.

La vie ne se résume pas au nombre de souffles que vous prenez, mais au nombre de moments qui vous coupent le souffle.

Il faut avoir 20 ans pour critiquer le monde avec desinvolture

Bon, mini pause entre deux examens et je suis allée faire un peu de catch-up sur les chroniques de Benoit Lefebvre (pas trop eu le temps de le lire ce semestre). Et que vois-je dans la liste des titres? "Hier encore, j'avais 20 ans...". Hahaha! À part pour la coincidence due au fait que je chantais cette chanson ce matin en étudiant pour mon examen d'économie (c'était supposé me donner de l'entrain? pas trop sure... c'était plus la pensée "shit mon examen est dans 5 heures et j'ai encore 5 chapitres à étudier ET il faut que je mange quelque chose ET il faut que j'amène mon cul à l'université".... ouip, ça! ça motive toujours! Mais je divague comme d'habitude), il y a toujours l'attrait du au fait qu'on parle de mon groupe d'âge. Bref, ce que j'essaye de dire est que j'ai été attirée comme un moustique vers une lampe électrique.

Comme n'importe quel adulte qui essaye de nous faire grâce de sa sagesse, la chronique est très intéressante et il y a des parties qui ramènent des odeurs de vérité et de déjà-vu. Oui à 20 ans on a une opinion sur tout et on veut la faire valoir. Oui à 20 ans on pense qu'on sait tout. Dans la même optique qu'à 10 ou 15 ans on se trouve vieux, trop vieux pour le peu de droits qu'on a, à 20 on trouve qu'on a passé le plus dur et qu'enfin nous voilà adultes! Pfff, c'est une illusion dont on ne peut s'échapper. Je suis sure que les "adultes" de 30 ou 40 ans se dotent des mêmes ambitions et si l'humanité n'aurait pas été aussi obsédée par la jeunesse, Charles Aznavour chanterait "Hier encore, j'avais 40 ans" (à son âge, il pourrait les chanter toutes!). La maturité ou l'expérience de vie ne peut être évaluée qu'avec la comparaison. La vie n'est qu'un cheminement et ce qu'on gagne en maturité on perd en idéalisme et en vigueur. Plus on avance, plus on mélange les nuances et le noir et le blanc devient de plus en plus gris. Oui je connais très bien le fixisme du JAMAIS. Mais le fait est que chaque être humain est jeté dans ce monde confus et bizarre sans aucun repère autre que ceux donnés par ses parents et son éducation. Et tout va bien pour un moment jusqu'à quand on lui enseigne qu'il ne faut prendre rien pour acquis et qu'il faut tout regarder d'un oeil critique. Et là il ne sait plus quoi ou qui croire et il sent la terre qui fuit sous ses pieds. Et sa soif d'absolu ne peut être apaisée avec des nuances de gris. Alors en prenant le risque d'avoir tort, il s'accroche à JAMAIS et à TOUJOURS. Simplement parce que les humains ont besoin de réponses qui n'existent pas ou qu'ils n'ont pas encore les capacités de comprendre.

Hier encore, j'avais 20 ans, je gaspillais le temps en croyant l'arrêter et pour le retenir même le devancer, je n'ai fait que courir et me suis essoufflé. Ignorant le passé, conjuguant au futur, je précédais de moi toute conversation et donnais mon avis que je voulais le beau pour critiquer le monde avec désinvolture.

All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds

Some might consider it sad to live by what Voltaire described (or more like ridiculed) as being a fallacy. But when your life acquires a faster pace than Candide, you have no choice but to embrace optimism, not because this is the best of all possible worlds, but simply because you do not have the time to dwell on losses. What's more, when one door closes, another opens and every option presents advantages and disadvantages that are not always comparable. So why bother? I often find myself unconsciously repeating this mantra to myself. All is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. Because life is made up of too many losses to dwell on them (unless your losses include a butt cheek, almost getting burned alive and being sold into slavery... can't really see the bright side of that).

Life is not about taking the easy way out