In between the lines

This is another one of my pointless rants on life. I don't even know why I'm writing it here or what I hope to achieve by complaining about this, but maybe by expressing it, I will finally be able to stop thinking about it and get it out of my head. I really hope, because I'm really tired of going around in circles with this topic.

Let's suppose you go about your life in normal fashion for a while and everything follows its normal course. Spring follows winter, the snow melts and then the temperature increases. Suddenly, summer is here, outside it's hot, everyone's happy. Autumn follows, the leafs fall down, it's getting chilly again, Halloween comes and goes, etc. etc. And suddenly you discover that you have been living a lie (whether it's intentional or not). You've had your doubts of course, but like any normal person, you ignore them and move on with your life. Because of course humans are fragile beings who need to live in denial in order to remain happy and have elevated the practice of lying to themselves to the state of an art. And then psychologists come along to help them uncover that which they knew from the beginning, but which they didn't want to see because they couldn't deal with it. But alas, I'm drifting from the subject at hand.

So, imagine that for whatever reason, the past months of your life have had aspects which differed from that which you thought you had perceived. Ok. You deal with it, you adjust your perception and you move on with your life. Easy enough, right? WRONG!! Once you get used to the idea, you start playing with it, turning it around, probing it, testing it in various situations, in other words you start thinking about it (I know, most of my problems begin when I start thinking). It's like getting a small glimpse of the backstage after a play and then you can't help wondering how everything was orchestrated so that the illusion fitted your perception, all the while staying just that: an illusion. And somehow every moment starts being put into question. Every glitch that you overlooked acquires a new meaning. You start wondering if maybe you could have figured this out by yourself and way sooner at that. Maybe you could have avoided it altogether. And despite yourself, you start questioning intentions and people, not knowing exactly what was the truth and what was not.

Maybe I am too innocent and naive for this world. Maybe I'm trying too hard to find something that doesn't exist. Things just seemed so much more simple a couple of years ago. There was black and white. Now there are just too many shades of gray to keep track of.