The Notable Brain of Maximilian Ponder

I have always been fascinated by the human brain and the power it holds to make or break a human being. And of course this leads me to read many books about troubled individuals and their psyche. I can't help it, I'm attracted to them like a moth to the light! Well one such recent read involved the (fictional) story of an individual who locked himself up on his 21st birthday and proceeded to catalog the contents of his memory up until that point. Said operation lasted 30 years. Now the whole narrative takes the shape of a flashback as Max is already dead and his best friend Adam is recounting the events that have led us here and why Max made these decisions.

I could say that for any introspective individual, the story is relatable even if I don't know anyone who would go as far as spending more than half their lives on such an endeavor. Myself, I have often felt as though if only I could block away the world and just be able to write down my thoughts and my experiences and if I managed to dissect them, then the world would make more sense and everything would be much clearer. I would understand myself better, where I went wrong, what I did right, the paths I should have taken and maybe if I could or should turn around and start over. But this isn't about me, it's about Max. At 21, he had everything going for him. A great family fortune, a good education, a nice girlfriend he could have married, he was cultured, he had traveled the world and had experienced many things, he had friends, he was generally well-liked. So why throw it all away? One theme that comes up often throughout the book is death. This is something that had always haunted Max and that he never really knew how to deal with. The death of his parents, the death of people he knew, even the death of strangers. He would always obsess over what would be left behind after a person dies. So maybe his catalog was his way of leaving behind his mark for posterity. Maybe the recent death of his father was just too much to deal with and this was all an excuse to hide away from the world.

In any case, whatever his real reasons may have been, the real question of interest here is "was he happy?". Were his efforts a waste? Was his life a waste? Physically speaking, he died at 51 due to "a short illness". However, can we really say that he was still alive during those 30 years that he spent cut off from the world? Was he really different from someone who might have been run down by a car in a tragic accident at 21? In a sense, this book has made me realize that life and death can be a lot more fluid concepts than I initially thought. What makes death, well "death"? Why is it so feared by so many people around the world? Is it the finality of it all? I think it's essentially that. The fact that we always put off a lot of things for various reasons. But once you're dead there are no more do-overs. You will never be able to ask those questions to your grandfather or build that app that was going to change the world. So maybe this was Max's way of leaving his mark on the world. A library filled with the most intricate details of every year of his life to be dissected for generations to come.

Looking for infinity

There are moments when everything seems to slow down to a stop. When this dizzying waltz that is life transforms itself into a slow dance that any idiot can do. Suddenly life seems easy and manageable. Because it's just me and the clear night sky and the few stars that manage to penetrate the blinding city lights. There still exists an ounce of purity in this rotten, corrupted world. And it's beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. It's the rich and bittersweet aftertaste of dark chocolate as you experience it for the first time. It's a voice that whispers into my ear "You're going to be alright little girl".

The world is a strange place to be. Ironically, the older I grow, the less I understand it. But that's alright. All I need are these moments, these small intervals of infinity when my lonesome figure comes back home. Hello there stranger.

 

M-am cam lasat de blogul asta. Niciodata nu le-am avut cu disciplina si constanta. Si totusi ma intorc mereu sa imi plang de mila. De ce simtim nevoia sa lasam o urma digitala a disperarii noastre inutile? Ca si marinarii care arunca o scrisoare intr-o sticla in mare, ne pierdem in atatia bits prafuiti. Si totusi ma intorc. Poate ca sa nu ma mai simt atat de singura. Daca macar o persoana ma citeste din greseala atunci teoretic nu mai sunt singura. Cineva a pescuit sticla. Dar de ce le-ar pasa? Nimeni nu mai are timp zilele astea. Toti facem o mie si una de activitati in speranta ca vom umple vidul din inauntru. Uni reusesc. Eu zilele astea nu prea. De ce? Pai de ce oare. Mi-e dor de el. Si nu scrie, si nu suna. Tot timpul acelasi cliseu uzat. Si eu m-am cam saturat sa revin mereu la acelasi punct de intoarcere. Si ma zgarie faptul ca am devenit replica exacta a unui cliseu pe care l-am detestat intotdeauna. Am zis ca sunt puternica si ca nu imi pasa, ca nu ma las doborata de niste sentimente puerile. Si totusi uite ca un parau poate sa roada piatra. Si ce a ramas din mine acum? Stiu ca din punct de vedere evolutionar, emotiile au utilitatea lor si toate filmele de Hollywood ne invata ca umanitatea noastra atarna in capacitatea noastra de a iubi. Dar mama ei de iubire, m-am saturat. Pentru o data in viata mea asi vrea sa stiu cum se simt psihopatii care trec prin lume fara sa se preocupe prea mult de sentimente. Cred ca problema mea principala e faptul ca sunt un optimist care nu se lasa niciodata. Chiar si atunci cand e evident ca ma obosesc degeaba, inima mea tot mai spera. Bai idioato, tu tot nu ai inteles ca nu are rost?

In memory of the Polytechnique shooting

Maybe subconsciously I'm using this as just another way to procrastinate, but I think this needs to be written down. Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of the Polytechnique shooting during which 14 women were killed because they were studying engineering and that somehow made them feminists. Because they were occupying a space that supposedly wasn't theirs to take. Because they didn't belong. You know, the status of women in engineering is a strange one I feel. On one hand, you're put on a pedestal because you're a minority and a highly prized one at that. You are the proverbial unicorn and that makes you special. But on the other hand, you will always have those few people who will see you as a puny little girl who's trying to play in the big leagues. And although this last category is quite small, whenever you come into contact with it, it has the effect of shaking your foundations. Because whatever you are trying to achieve, failure is no longer an option. Because you want to prove the other person wrong. Because now it's a matter of pride. And this reaction is normal irrespective of gender. But, being a girl in engineering, I feel like the pressure to succeed is twice as great. Because you are not just trying to prove something for yourself, but for a whole range of other girls whose capabilities are being doubted solely based on their gender. Because my success is their success and my failure is their failure. Because I'm still trying to prove that this is my place and that here is where I belong. And I hope to see the day when I will no longer be met with surprise when I tell people I am studying engineering. A lot of progress has been made since that day 25 years ago. But there's still a long way to go and I hope it won't take another massacre for us to make it. In memory of those women who never made it to their Iron Ring ceremony, no matter how hard things might get for me, I will make it there. For you. For all the girls around the world who do not have access to an education because their usefulness to society is only translated through the amount of household chores they can do and the amount of kids they can raise. In moments like these, I realize I am incredibly lucky to be where I am now and to have the opportunity to study such an amazing field. So at this point, failure is no longer an option.

The scientist

- Ti-e frica de ceva in viata asta?
- Da bineinteles. De chiar prea multe lucruri. Mi-e frica de oamenii din jurul meu. Mi-e frica de faptul ca intr-o zi ar putea sa ma raneasca. Mi-e frica si de mine. De felul in care ma schimb si de faptul ca asi putea sa ma trezesc intr-o zi si sa nu mai recunosc persoana care ma priveste in oglinda. Dar cel mai tare mi-e frica de posibilitatea ca tot ceea in ce cred este gresit. Si ca de atatia ani ma zbat cu o chimera care nu exista. Ca voi descoperi adevarul doar cand va fii prea tarziu.
- Si ce este adevarul pentru tine?
- Fericirea. A descoperi adevarul inseamna a gasi ceea ce te face fericit.

How NOT to lose friends and alienate people

Christianity can be a thorny subject in our modern-day society that is based on the principle of no belief which can then be pushed to the limit of cynical thought personified by the "everything goes" principle. While I am in no way Christian and certainly do not believe in any God (aren't I a model citizen), I do feel that some teachings of the Catholic church have their use in making our life more enjoyable and our relationships with others more durable. We are all searching for something in this life and that something is happiness. We might have different definitions of what happiness is or means, but nonetheless I would say it is our purpose in life. However, often enough we try to find it through individual pursuits with a big focus on ourselves and what our needs and wants are. While this method has its merits, it also tends to have the side effect of leaving you alone at night and somewhat isolated. I am not saying that this goes for everyone and maybe some Scrooges out there actually are happy on their own. I say kudos to them for resisting the temptation of needing others to be happy. But for most of us who have been socialized correctly and who need some amount of human interaction in order to be happy, my personal opinion is that we are doing it wrong. Or at least I have been doing it wrong. For many years I tried to do everything on my own without relying too much on others. My favorite things I would do them mostly on my own. It was all about how I was feeling, my insecurities, my priorities. Then I made some changes to my life. I started going out a lot more and meeting a lot of people. But still with the same mentality of focusing on my inner perspective. Now I think I might need a paradigm shift. I have tried it a couple of times and I find it makes conversations, relationships and just life in general better, when you focus your attention on the other person and just actively try to put yourself in their shoes. There is nothing like it! For some people this might seem obvious, but for a young lost kid who has spent too much time on the attention-whore-inducing-syndrome-of-a-website we know as Facebook, you lose that aptitude to appreciate intimate human relationships without it being in the public stratosphere where image is all that counts.

Anyway, what I did want to write here and what induced this long rant was something I read from the Pope about marriage and how to have a successful one. One thing really struck me and made me think. He said that couples should never finish a day without asking each other for forgiveness and without peace returning to their homes. Now you don't need to be married or even in a relationship in order to benefit from this advice. If people just focus on others and put themselves in their shoes for a little while, I am sure that most arguments could be avoided and it would be much easier to forgive each other. If you care more about the other person and about your relationship with them than about your petty feelings, if both are willing to put in efforts in order to solve their issues, then I don't see any reason why any friendship, relationship or marriage cannot work.

Self-validation in the digital age

In an age where most interactions are based on appearance and where self-worth is often defined through the eyes of those around us, here's something I really never considered before. In an article on the Huffington Post, the writer was saying we should strive to find validation in the ratio of how we positively impact ourselves and others versus how much we fuck up and hurt others. And I find that to be such a powerful shift of perception that actually pretty much blew my mind. Tip of the hat to you lady-who-wrote-this! You have given me much to think about! After I finish my chem pre-lab...

Full article here.