Re-evaluating God and Karma

I'm a big believer in coincidences and the randomness of life. But some days I wonder. Fact of the matter is, these past few mornings have been relatively gray (weather-wise and personal mental state-wise). I always seem to wake up feeling like I should just stay in bed and it takes me a huge amount of effor to drag myself out of bed. And this feeling kind of continues pretty much until I get to school. And then something happens. I run into a friend. Somebody smiles at me. I get a hug. I FINALLY get a right answer in my calculus homework. And suddently my day doesn't feel as gloomy anymore. It can lead someone to question whether the whole God/karma/universe-is -looking-out-for-you thing is actually real. But I think that's an easy explanation for the phenomenon. I think the world is made up of opportunities and if you just keep your eyes open you will be able to see them. It's just a question of listening to your needs and letting the world in. And maybe methaphorically speaking, this realization is equivalent to beginning to believe in God. Because you get to see that everything you need surrounds you. You just have to take your hands out of your pockets and reach out for it. 

Big thanks to the random guys on campus who were giving out free hugs. I don't know what you're studying to be able to take so much time out of your day to stand around and give people hugs, but you really brigthened my day!

Surviving life part 2

So it took me almost forever to get to the second part (where forever = 3 months give or take) and what I want to talk about here is less of a 12-step method than a thought process. Last October I started going to these philosophical sessions where a bunch of people get together and just talk about what is this thing called life and how not to suck at it with a moderator steering us in one direction or other. I was just there last night and we were talking about motivation and the reasons why we do things. I often talk about being a perfectionist and pursuing perfection often at the detriment of my own mental or physical health. And I often find myself doing things that I don't really want to do, only because I tell myself it'll be good for me or it'll make me a better person. And as the years went by, sure I have become more sociable, I went from being a loner to actually having a social life/circle. But this has left me feeling often more alone than before and somehow completely hollow inside. And I've struggled with this for the past year or so. Now I think I know why. I've always been more of an introvert and though I have swings from one end of the spectrum to the other, I never was very fond of the spotlight. However, I've been spending more and more time in social situations, meeting new people and doing new things. It's been a lot of fun, but it also takes it out of you. I used to define a big part of myself in my alone time (reading, drawing, writing). But I've rarely done any of that lately and now I seem to be at a loss as to what or who I really am. So I have reached a point where I need to rethink my approach to life. The past 3 years have been about taking risks and throwing myself into novel situations to expand my experiences and my horizons and to test my limits. But this has depleted my internal batteries and I can't seem to figure out what this person that is me stands for anymore. Last week someone asked me what is my thing. And frankly, I kind of lied. I told them what my thing WAS. Because I don't know what it is right now, if I even have a thing at the moment. So here's step 6:

6) Take some time with yourself. It is a relationship that should not be neglected for it will come back to bite you in the ass!

Uite ca am auzit azi ceva care nu ar trebui sa fie o revelatie si totusi m-a surprins. Cica sunt prea impacienta. Sar la concluzii. Dau liber si fara sa pun piedici sau conditii. Eh asta nu e nou. Nciodata nu am avut rabdare si probabil ca am facut mai multe greseli decat ar fii trebuit in viata mea. Nu asa e pentru toti? Si totusi uite ca unii au reusit unde eu ma chinui inca. Sincer pe mine nu ma deranjeaza. Mai tare ma afecteaza privirile pline de mila ale prietenilor. "Ohhh saracuta, tot singura e de atat timp! Hai nu vrei sa te aranjez cu tipul asta de la birou? O sa vezi ca e super de treaba! Ar trebui sa incerci sa fii mai asa si o sa vezi ca o sa fie bine." De parca ceva nu e in regula cu mine. Poate ca au dreptate. Poate ca o sa ajung si eu tanti aia cu 10 pisici si 5 caini care nu iese niciodata din casa  ca prefera sa citeasca o carte in loc sa asculte aceleasi povesti rasuflate si uzate. Sincer optiunea asta chiar pare foarte atragatoare! De ce nu pot fii bine asa cum sunt? De ce trebuie sa fie vreo problema cu mine daca nu am gasit inca pe cineva care sa fie pe aceeasi lungime de unda ca si mine? La naiba, iar mi-am pierdut idea. Poate ca aia si e problema.