In memory of the Polytechnique shooting

Maybe subconsciously I'm using this as just another way to procrastinate, but I think this needs to be written down. Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of the Polytechnique shooting during which 14 women were killed because they were studying engineering and that somehow made them feminists. Because they were occupying a space that supposedly wasn't theirs to take. Because they didn't belong. You know, the status of women in engineering is a strange one I feel. On one hand, you're put on a pedestal because you're a minority and a highly prized one at that. You are the proverbial unicorn and that makes you special. But on the other hand, you will always have those few people who will see you as a puny little girl who's trying to play in the big leagues. And although this last category is quite small, whenever you come into contact with it, it has the effect of shaking your foundations. Because whatever you are trying to achieve, failure is no longer an option. Because you want to prove the other person wrong. Because now it's a matter of pride. And this reaction is normal irrespective of gender. But, being a girl in engineering, I feel like the pressure to succeed is twice as great. Because you are not just trying to prove something for yourself, but for a whole range of other girls whose capabilities are being doubted solely based on their gender. Because my success is their success and my failure is their failure. Because I'm still trying to prove that this is my place and that here is where I belong. And I hope to see the day when I will no longer be met with surprise when I tell people I am studying engineering. A lot of progress has been made since that day 25 years ago. But there's still a long way to go and I hope it won't take another massacre for us to make it. In memory of those women who never made it to their Iron Ring ceremony, no matter how hard things might get for me, I will make it there. For you. For all the girls around the world who do not have access to an education because their usefulness to society is only translated through the amount of household chores they can do and the amount of kids they can raise. In moments like these, I realize I am incredibly lucky to be where I am now and to have the opportunity to study such an amazing field. So at this point, failure is no longer an option.

The scientist

- Ti-e frica de ceva in viata asta?
- Da bineinteles. De chiar prea multe lucruri. Mi-e frica de oamenii din jurul meu. Mi-e frica de faptul ca intr-o zi ar putea sa ma raneasca. Mi-e frica si de mine. De felul in care ma schimb si de faptul ca asi putea sa ma trezesc intr-o zi si sa nu mai recunosc persoana care ma priveste in oglinda. Dar cel mai tare mi-e frica de posibilitatea ca tot ceea in ce cred este gresit. Si ca de atatia ani ma zbat cu o chimera care nu exista. Ca voi descoperi adevarul doar cand va fii prea tarziu.
- Si ce este adevarul pentru tine?
- Fericirea. A descoperi adevarul inseamna a gasi ceea ce te face fericit.

How NOT to lose friends and alienate people

Christianity can be a thorny subject in our modern-day society that is based on the principle of no belief which can then be pushed to the limit of cynical thought personified by the "everything goes" principle. While I am in no way Christian and certainly do not believe in any God (aren't I a model citizen), I do feel that some teachings of the Catholic church have their use in making our life more enjoyable and our relationships with others more durable. We are all searching for something in this life and that something is happiness. We might have different definitions of what happiness is or means, but nonetheless I would say it is our purpose in life. However, often enough we try to find it through individual pursuits with a big focus on ourselves and what our needs and wants are. While this method has its merits, it also tends to have the side effect of leaving you alone at night and somewhat isolated. I am not saying that this goes for everyone and maybe some Scrooges out there actually are happy on their own. I say kudos to them for resisting the temptation of needing others to be happy. But for most of us who have been socialized correctly and who need some amount of human interaction in order to be happy, my personal opinion is that we are doing it wrong. Or at least I have been doing it wrong. For many years I tried to do everything on my own without relying too much on others. My favorite things I would do them mostly on my own. It was all about how I was feeling, my insecurities, my priorities. Then I made some changes to my life. I started going out a lot more and meeting a lot of people. But still with the same mentality of focusing on my inner perspective. Now I think I might need a paradigm shift. I have tried it a couple of times and I find it makes conversations, relationships and just life in general better, when you focus your attention on the other person and just actively try to put yourself in their shoes. There is nothing like it! For some people this might seem obvious, but for a young lost kid who has spent too much time on the attention-whore-inducing-syndrome-of-a-website we know as Facebook, you lose that aptitude to appreciate intimate human relationships without it being in the public stratosphere where image is all that counts.

Anyway, what I did want to write here and what induced this long rant was something I read from the Pope about marriage and how to have a successful one. One thing really struck me and made me think. He said that couples should never finish a day without asking each other for forgiveness and without peace returning to their homes. Now you don't need to be married or even in a relationship in order to benefit from this advice. If people just focus on others and put themselves in their shoes for a little while, I am sure that most arguments could be avoided and it would be much easier to forgive each other. If you care more about the other person and about your relationship with them than about your petty feelings, if both are willing to put in efforts in order to solve their issues, then I don't see any reason why any friendship, relationship or marriage cannot work.

Self-validation in the digital age

In an age where most interactions are based on appearance and where self-worth is often defined through the eyes of those around us, here's something I really never considered before. In an article on the Huffington Post, the writer was saying we should strive to find validation in the ratio of how we positively impact ourselves and others versus how much we fuck up and hurt others. And I find that to be such a powerful shift of perception that actually pretty much blew my mind. Tip of the hat to you lady-who-wrote-this! You have given me much to think about! After I finish my chem pre-lab...

Full article here.

Re-evaluating God and Karma

I'm a big believer in coincidences and the randomness of life. But some days I wonder. Fact of the matter is, these past few mornings have been relatively gray (weather-wise and personal mental state-wise). I always seem to wake up feeling like I should just stay in bed and it takes me a huge amount of effor to drag myself out of bed. And this feeling kind of continues pretty much until I get to school. And then something happens. I run into a friend. Somebody smiles at me. I get a hug. I FINALLY get a right answer in my calculus homework. And suddently my day doesn't feel as gloomy anymore. It can lead someone to question whether the whole God/karma/universe-is -looking-out-for-you thing is actually real. But I think that's an easy explanation for the phenomenon. I think the world is made up of opportunities and if you just keep your eyes open you will be able to see them. It's just a question of listening to your needs and letting the world in. And maybe methaphorically speaking, this realization is equivalent to beginning to believe in God. Because you get to see that everything you need surrounds you. You just have to take your hands out of your pockets and reach out for it. 

Big thanks to the random guys on campus who were giving out free hugs. I don't know what you're studying to be able to take so much time out of your day to stand around and give people hugs, but you really brigthened my day!

Surviving life part 2

So it took me almost forever to get to the second part (where forever = 3 months give or take) and what I want to talk about here is less of a 12-step method than a thought process. Last October I started going to these philosophical sessions where a bunch of people get together and just talk about what is this thing called life and how not to suck at it with a moderator steering us in one direction or other. I was just there last night and we were talking about motivation and the reasons why we do things. I often talk about being a perfectionist and pursuing perfection often at the detriment of my own mental or physical health. And I often find myself doing things that I don't really want to do, only because I tell myself it'll be good for me or it'll make me a better person. And as the years went by, sure I have become more sociable, I went from being a loner to actually having a social life/circle. But this has left me feeling often more alone than before and somehow completely hollow inside. And I've struggled with this for the past year or so. Now I think I know why. I've always been more of an introvert and though I have swings from one end of the spectrum to the other, I never was very fond of the spotlight. However, I've been spending more and more time in social situations, meeting new people and doing new things. It's been a lot of fun, but it also takes it out of you. I used to define a big part of myself in my alone time (reading, drawing, writing). But I've rarely done any of that lately and now I seem to be at a loss as to what or who I really am. So I have reached a point where I need to rethink my approach to life. The past 3 years have been about taking risks and throwing myself into novel situations to expand my experiences and my horizons and to test my limits. But this has depleted my internal batteries and I can't seem to figure out what this person that is me stands for anymore. Last week someone asked me what is my thing. And frankly, I kind of lied. I told them what my thing WAS. Because I don't know what it is right now, if I even have a thing at the moment. So here's step 6:

6) Take some time with yourself. It is a relationship that should not be neglected for it will come back to bite you in the ass!

Uite ca am auzit azi ceva care nu ar trebui sa fie o revelatie si totusi m-a surprins. Cica sunt prea impacienta. Sar la concluzii. Dau liber si fara sa pun piedici sau conditii. Eh asta nu e nou. Nciodata nu am avut rabdare si probabil ca am facut mai multe greseli decat ar fii trebuit in viata mea. Nu asa e pentru toti? Si totusi uite ca unii au reusit unde eu ma chinui inca. Sincer pe mine nu ma deranjeaza. Mai tare ma afecteaza privirile pline de mila ale prietenilor. "Ohhh saracuta, tot singura e de atat timp! Hai nu vrei sa te aranjez cu tipul asta de la birou? O sa vezi ca e super de treaba! Ar trebui sa incerci sa fii mai asa si o sa vezi ca o sa fie bine." De parca ceva nu e in regula cu mine. Poate ca au dreptate. Poate ca o sa ajung si eu tanti aia cu 10 pisici si 5 caini care nu iese niciodata din casa  ca prefera sa citeasca o carte in loc sa asculte aceleasi povesti rasuflate si uzate. Sincer optiunea asta chiar pare foarte atragatoare! De ce nu pot fii bine asa cum sunt? De ce trebuie sa fie vreo problema cu mine daca nu am gasit inca pe cineva care sa fie pe aceeasi lungime de unda ca si mine? La naiba, iar mi-am pierdut idea. Poate ca aia si e problema.