Mea culpa or Possessions and loans

I've been away for far too long. Initially I was looking for something I never found. Actually I gave up on the search from the beginning. I gave up on too many dreams, I find. I settled too easily. And maybe I'm writing this now because I feel down in the drains and probably I'll disagree with myself tomorrow, but right now I feel like I made too many bad decisions in my life. Like I never think my decisions through and then I just make the most of the situation I put myself in. I did that with IB, I'm doing it with my university degree, I'm doing it with my life and the people in it. And in my few moments of lucidity, when the small voice at the back of my mind tells me what I should have done, what I should do, I just muffle it with self reassuring thoughts that I should wait and see, that maybe I'll end up liking what I'm doing, that maybe I'll end up being loved, maybe. I'm so tired of maybe. For once in my life I want to stop doubting. For once in my life I want to know where I'm going and who's coming on the ride with me (if there is anyone who would to begin with). This is not what I wanted. I'm so tired of being alone with my mind. It's so exhausting to live with yourself, especially when your thoughts drive you to the edge of paranoia and of sanity altogether. I miss my best friend. I feel like as life goes on, I become more and more isolated and alone. Everyone makes choices and moves on, everyone advances with their life. But I'm stuck on this road, surrounded by a crowd that I don't know and about which I don't care. Unable to move forward, but unable to go back. And I oscillate between caring and going insane, and total indifference to everything. I want to care because that is the human way to live. But caring brings me to thinking, and thinking paralyzes me. I know what I should do. It's like taking off a band-aid. At the beginning it will sting, but afterward all will be alright. But what if? What if? What if? What if? What if? I'm thinking with my heart and that brings disastrous results because facts get mixed up with desires and hopes get mixed up with disappointments. I'm tired. So tired. I wish I could sleep. Sleep is good. You don't think when you're sleeping. You don't wonder, you don't doubt, you don't regret. You can dream, but if the dream is bad, you can wake up. You can't wake up from life. But I wish I could. Realize I'm still a teenager with a blank page in front of me. People keep telling me how young I am and how I have all my life in front of me. But I feel like I'm running out of time. I can't keep searching for myself until I'm 30. I can't keep begging for love until the end of my life. Is there even such a thing as love? Maybe there's a first love and all the rest are disillusioned searches for that which was lost. An innocent carefree smile is what I want. A smile that is not mine. A smile that will forevermore be someone else's. A presence that I only have on loan. I'm tired. So tired.