Reflexions on what has passed and what will come

Ok we are officially on New Year's Eve!! Yey? I guess this calls for a retrospection of the past year and an evaluation of what I want for the following year.

Well, I kind of have a hard time defining the year that has just passed. It was... exhilarating, blissful, frustrating, enlightening, childish, annoying, difficult, easy, amazing, painful, enriching at times and empty at others. Each moment has its label, each memory has a different emotion attached to it. And so we grow and we evolve. This year has not been perfect, but that's because life is not perfect and we are not perfect. The only thing we can do is make the most of it and live without any regrets. And I think I have accomplished that this year because there is NOTHING that I regret (except maybe for one drunken night, but even that is debatable because, hey, I learned a lot about myself!).

So what do I want for the next year? Hmm tough question... I'd have to say that the thing I need most right now is balance. I need to figure myself out (and find the answers to my Things I Need To Figure Out list), and find a balance for myself. For the past year I have focused too much on relationships and not enough on myself. So I'd like to dedicate the following year to being egoistical, self-centered and a well rounded person. I want to start drawing again, I want to get back in shape (well that sentence is not actually correct since I never was that much in shape), I want to tackle the books on my To Read list (I know I have a lot of lists), I want to start writing again. I suddenly find myself with a lot of time on my hands and this is good. I have been running for time almost continuously for the past year (or at least the past 6 months). Now I want to take the time to do something with myself. I never fitted the housewife with 3 children running around bill and I think I never will. So might as well embrace that and embrace the person that I am and that I could be, that I want to be. Balanced, independent, knowledgeable, artistic, self-sufficient. Because while it may bring a lot of joy to live for others, you can only be happy when you live for yourself. And if I may quote the honorable philosopher Bunny, "Love is overrated". So I'd like to propose a toast to circuits and wires and neurons!

Happy New Year everyone!

Dizzying, spiraling, going full circle

Lesson Number One

Creeping slow, I'm at peace because I know it's ok to be afraid.

Mea culpa or Possessions and loans

I've been away for far too long. Initially I was looking for something I never found. Actually I gave up on the search from the beginning. I gave up on too many dreams, I find. I settled too easily. And maybe I'm writing this now because I feel down in the drains and probably I'll disagree with myself tomorrow, but right now I feel like I made too many bad decisions in my life. Like I never think my decisions through and then I just make the most of the situation I put myself in. I did that with IB, I'm doing it with my university degree, I'm doing it with my life and the people in it. And in my few moments of lucidity, when the small voice at the back of my mind tells me what I should have done, what I should do, I just muffle it with self reassuring thoughts that I should wait and see, that maybe I'll end up liking what I'm doing, that maybe I'll end up being loved, maybe. I'm so tired of maybe. For once in my life I want to stop doubting. For once in my life I want to know where I'm going and who's coming on the ride with me (if there is anyone who would to begin with). This is not what I wanted. I'm so tired of being alone with my mind. It's so exhausting to live with yourself, especially when your thoughts drive you to the edge of paranoia and of sanity altogether. I miss my best friend. I feel like as life goes on, I become more and more isolated and alone. Everyone makes choices and moves on, everyone advances with their life. But I'm stuck on this road, surrounded by a crowd that I don't know and about which I don't care. Unable to move forward, but unable to go back. And I oscillate between caring and going insane, and total indifference to everything. I want to care because that is the human way to live. But caring brings me to thinking, and thinking paralyzes me. I know what I should do. It's like taking off a band-aid. At the beginning it will sting, but afterward all will be alright. But what if? What if? What if? What if? What if? I'm thinking with my heart and that brings disastrous results because facts get mixed up with desires and hopes get mixed up with disappointments. I'm tired. So tired. I wish I could sleep. Sleep is good. You don't think when you're sleeping. You don't wonder, you don't doubt, you don't regret. You can dream, but if the dream is bad, you can wake up. You can't wake up from life. But I wish I could. Realize I'm still a teenager with a blank page in front of me. People keep telling me how young I am and how I have all my life in front of me. But I feel like I'm running out of time. I can't keep searching for myself until I'm 30. I can't keep begging for love until the end of my life. Is there even such a thing as love? Maybe there's a first love and all the rest are disillusioned searches for that which was lost. An innocent carefree smile is what I want. A smile that is not mine. A smile that will forevermore be someone else's. A presence that I only have on loan. I'm tired. So tired.

Take my breath away

It's been a long time I know and this hardly makes up for it, but gooooodddd I love this song!! There's nothing like it in the world to make you want to jump someone (well not just someone, a particular someone....no, I'm not talking about Tom Cruise).