Perfect, Complicated, Don't get it...

There's something I don't understand. When you are in a relationship, there's this suffocating need to be perfect. Like when you know you have an appointment with the dentist, you all of a sudden start flossing. All year long, that small plastic box of dental floss has been gathering dust on your bathroom sink, but the minute you get a call from your dentist to schedule a cleanup, you start flossing religiously every night before going to bed and if you had time, you'd even do it in the morning. As though that would make up for a year of meat scraps gathering between your molars. The same way, when you start dating someone, all of a sudden, you start seeing the mess in your room, you feel bad about wasting a day of study, you start reconsidering your vocabulary (well not really, but you can almost feel the hesitation in your throat when you say "shit"). You want to appear mature, intelligent, knowledgeable, but at the same time fun and easygoing. I'm sorry, is that even possible in the world we live in? There is no such thing as a perfect being. But we tend towards it and even more when we are dating someone. But why? Shouldn't we want to be in relationships so that we can be ourselves? With all our imperfections, our doubts, our fears, our mess (after all, that's just us expressing the nature of the world... a higher entropy makes daddy universe happy). Is it because dating someone makes you think, this is it. This is the rest of my life, so all the things I put aside for later, all the things I said I'd do, all the things I said I'd be, well it's now or never. Kinda like when you get close to graduating and, well, you never did that exchange, you never got involved in a case competition, you never participated in a student association, you never went to that many networking sessions, and it's now or never. You feel the pressure to grow up and be the best you'll ever be. It slowly erases the uncertainty of the future and with it the possibilities that keep you sane and able to sleep at night. Man, I don't want to grow up! I don't want to pick a career! The future is scary because I've been putting it off for such a long time and now the deadline is slowly coming to an end. So you soon have to hand in your life's essay but you haven't even written the intro yet. Eh merde alors! I don't want to botch this one up. I might get away with botching up an extended essay or a history essay or a lab report or a business plan, but not this. Because I'm the one grading it this time and I sure as hell won't pass myself with this lack of effort and motivation. And that was one too many school metaphors. Oooookkk, time to go to that dentist appointment now!

Random rant

You know you've had too much caffeine when it's a quarter to 1 AM, you still have over 10 pages to read for a class the next day/later that day (depending how you see it), you have 2-3 emails to send and possibly 2 cover letters to write and somehow you still fell bubbly and full of energy. AND (which is not of insignificant nature) you still take 10 minutes of your precious time (or more) to write all this in a blog post... gah I need to lay off the caffeine.

Note to self: never ever decide to take a weekend off.... You WILL regret it amèrement

Note to self 2: find time to research careers... you know the people at school who always know what they're talking about and sometimes even more than the teacher? Those people who you wonder what the hell they are still doing in school? Those people who know exactly where they are going and how they're going to get there (also the same people who know everything that's happening in their field and who make you wonder if they spend all their days reading The Economist and The Globe and Mail... who else would say that Facebook is a bargain at $50 billion)? Or at the very least those people who have some sort of goal for their future (even if that goal is traveling as much as possible in order to understand how the world works and then how to try to fix it... hmm that sort of idealism is refreshing... it makes me want to stay in touch with that person if only to see for how long that idealism will survive... if it lasts more than 5 years then I might regain hope in the human race)? Anyway, all that to say that these people walk around with a sort of confidence that is out of this world and which I kind of envy. All that to say that I need to find myself a sense of purpose or a goal. And as much as I hate the idea, I need to choose a path...figure out what I want (somehow this sounds familiar... maybe cause I've been telling this to myself since I finished high school almost 4 years ago). And then I need to find the courage to stick to it... which is the hardest part. Like someone used to tell me, I need to have "assez de colonne" to stick to what I want. Blah easier said than done...