V. M.

I hate you.
I hate you for making me feel expendable.
I hate you for making me feel like just another anonymous face in the masses.
I hate you for making me doubt my worth.

But most of all,

I hate myself for letting you.
For spotting the charring flames that surround your presence
And still moving closer.
I hate myself for this person I have become.
For forgetting who I am.
For accepting mediocrity.
For resting on my laurels.
For letting my ego be stroked and my vanity take over
While the world passes me by.
But no more.

 

Mai stii?

I don't have much to say. Or better yet, my thoughts are constantly going to a place where I don't want to go anymore and I don't want to make this into a rant. It's a beautiful day. The world is at the tip of my fingers. Life is grand. Anyway, I just wanted to share this little reminder of what we should all as women truly and honestly embody everyday of our lives. This excerpt sums it up pretty well:

"Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest."

  A Daddy’s Letter to his Little Girl About Her Future Husband

Don't lick the knife

When I finished high school, in our last month of classes, my English teacher decided to compile a list of life lessons we have all accumulated throughout the years and which we would like to share as advice with our classmates in order to make sure we are properly set off into the world with at least some principles to guide us through. This was all kind of ironic considering that I went to one of those schools which required an entrance exam and where we had to do monthly reflections on our life and our learning process and how it relates to the grand scheme of things, but I digress. To be honest I don't remember much of that list (I don't even remember what I myself wrote), but there was one advice that stuck, mostly because it was unexpected and overall it seemed pointless.

Don't lick the knife.

Really?? Most people were talking about happiness and taking life with a smile and this one person thought that this was the most relevant thing to keep in mind while we embark on the rest of our lives?? My theory is that whoever wrote it was one of those funny guys who sit in the back, set the toilets on fire and in general don't take themselves too seriously. So maybe it was initially set as a joke, but ironically this is what stuck with me all these years. Why? I shall now share a secret. I.... always.... lick the knife! And whenever I find myself in that position, there is this voice at the back of my head telling me "Don't lick the knife!"

So I think there may be something to take from all of this.

1) People always do what they're not supposed to. I mean it's not for nothing that the longest novel in the history of mankind (aka the Bible) starts with someone breaking the rules.

2) Doing what you shouldn't does not have to have disastrous consequences on your life. You just have to use the right technique.

I guess this might resonate more with me right now because I feel like I've been doing a lot of things I shouldn't have lately. And maybe I didn't always have the right technique and the knife did cut a couple of times. But hey, sometimes you have to push your boundaries in order to know where the limit lies. And no amount of lists and advice can teach you that.

Goodbye business days

Here we are. This is officially my last week as a business student. I've thought a lot about what the past 4 years have brought me and how I've changed through the process and in some aspects I guess I'm doing better while in others it's worse. Somewhere in between my classes and my internships I've become more superficial, more focused on appearances. I've lost some of my curiosity, my idealism. But at the same time, I've grown braver, more adventurous. I've become less afraid of meeting new people. I've partied hard. I've overindulged in alcohol. I've had priceless moments. I've met great people. I've become a cynic that sometimes still pretends to be a kid. I've learned that people can be ruthless sometimes. I discovered that creativity strikes as last minute desperation sinks in. I've learned to hold on to those people who are always there for me and who are close to my heart, but to let go of those who bring about storms and disquiet.

Most importantly, I found out that most times, it's all about the people who surround you. Whether they are in America, in Paris, in Germany, in Denmark, in Romania, in Spain or in Africa, that is what makes your life worthwhile.

Roadmap

So I'm back in rant mode... it's been a while and I really didn't miss it, but this is surely less expensive than seeing a shrink. So here goes nothing.

Technology is supposed to make your life easier and I won't deny its obvious benefits, but between Facebook and text messages I feel like I'm becoming neurotic. Not to mention that I often have the impression that my life is slipping through my fingers in an endless feed of cat stories (ok maybe not cats.... some science stories, some crappy relationship stories, some "inspiring" pictures, some TED talks, etc, etc, etc). As for my phone, I wish I could bury it somewhere and only get it back at the end of the summer. I'm tired of constantly checking it and it's becoming an obsession. Alright fine, I'm tired of waiting for a particular text message which is not coming. There I said it. And maybe it's better off this way and I'll manage to actually keep some pride and dignity now.

On another note, if this is what retirement feels like, then I don't get what people are getting so excited about. I think that the main problem is that I failed to set goals for myself. Life without goals is a boring endless stream of routines and people and places that don't mean anything. I've been on vacation for over a month now and I don't feel like I have accomplished much. I often wonder how I managed to spend an entire summer not doing anything when I was a kid. Oh university what have you done to me?? I cannot seem to just chill anymore.

Step 1: get back to the old drawing board
Step 2: remove all needless frustrations and sources of anxiety
Step 3: spend time with me, myself and I
Step 4: accept the past and all its blunders, accept the way it changed me and made me who I am today
Step 5: take who I am today and make active efforts to become the person I want to be tomorrow (or next year... you get my point)